So this guy walks into a bar...

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:52 pm

There's some really good ones in here:

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A priest a rabbi and a homosexual walk into a bar, the bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:07 pm

Edward · Post by **Edward** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:15 pm

I have another lame one.
A guy walks into a bar.

Do you get it?

Vindicator · Post by **Vindicator** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:45 pm

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:52 pm

MD-2389 wrote:LAME

X2

Richard Cranium · Post by **Richard Cranium** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:05 pm

This guy walk out of a bar the cops frequently stake out. Heâ??s obviously very intoxicated because heâ??s stumbling over his own feet, tried to get in to the wrong car several times, and canâ??t seem to put his keys in the door lock. It must have taken this guy 20 or 30 minutes to find his own car and get in and drive off. The entire time this cop on the other side of the road has been watching the drunk thinking heâ??s about to catch a DUI. When the drunk pulls out on to the road the cop puts his light on and pulls him over. The cop comes up to the driver and tell him he needs to take a breath test and takes him back to the cop car where he blows a 0.0 . Now the cop is really confused because the guy is obviously drunk but doesnâ??t have any alcohol on his breath so the cop asks the drunk about it. The drunk says that he is the DD but the cop says you donâ??t have anyone else with you in the car to witch the driver says â??of course not, Dedicated Decoys wouldnâ??t have anyone with them would theyâ??.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:13 pm

Ok now, that is funny

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:36 pm

Heard that one before RC, but it was better then most of the first post.

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 7:57 pm

Oh come on. Yea there was some lame ones in there but dont throw out the baby with the bathwater...

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:58 pm

i read every single joke hoping one would be funny, but the funny never came...

SilverFJ · Post by **SilverFJ** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 1:43 pm

Wow, I was going to reply after reading it all but what was already said took care of what I was going to say

Pun · Post by **Pun** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:02 pm

This one time, I crapped my pants on the school bus.

Richard Cranium · Post by **Richard Cranium** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:05 pm

punisher wrote:This one time, I crapped my pants on the school bus.

THAT WAS YOU?!?!? OMG

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:16 pm

punisher wrote:This one time, I crapped my pants on the school bus.

Dammit! How bout a little warning next time you sick freak!

Darktalyn1 · Post by **Darktalyn1** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:59 pm

I just read this one today

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 9:10 pm

Darktalyn1 wrote:I just read this one today

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Am I wrong for expecting a geico ad?

Gooberman · Post by **Gooberman** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 9:15 pm

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?

That one is a classic, it takes most people awhile to get it. And once explained, it brings about the longest groans.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 10:15 pm

I personally thought some of them were really funny. I like my laughs like I like my women - cheap and quick.

SilverFJ · Post by **SilverFJ** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:10 am

A rope repeatedly tries to get served at a bar and the bartender continually says "We don't serve ropes here. Go away." So the rope goes outside, ties himself up and messes up his hair. He walks in and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey aren't you a rope??" and the rope says "Nope. 'Fraid not."

hyuk hyuk

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:18 am

LOL! I mean BOO!

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:48 am

I love these jokes.....takes brains to be lame. I've also found that after a few drinks the lame jokes allways get the best responce.

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:25 pm

Those jokes were lamer than FDR's legs!

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 1:54 pm

That was about as funny as Michael J. Fox in a Jenga tournament.

Sarge · Post by **Sarge** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:15 pm

Gooberman wrote:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?
That one is a classic, it takes most people awhile to get it. And once explained, it brings about the longest groans.

Took me almost 24 hours....

SilverFJ · Post by **SilverFJ** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:28 pm

Unix wrote:That was about as funny as Michael J. Fox in a Jenga tournament.

ahahahahahahahah
hahaha hahah ah ahahahha ahah ah
ahah
a h
a
h ah
ahha
h ah
a
h

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:30 pm

Sarge wrote:
Gooberman wrote:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?
That one is a classic, it takes most people awhile to get it. And once explained, it brings about the longest groans.
Took me almost 24 hours....

Three hours and counting ...

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:11 pm

Unix wrote:That was about as funny as Michael J. Fox in a Jenga tournament.

....★■◆● i laughed my bleedin' ass off at that. And i've got Parkinsons all over the family. Great Joke.

Gooberman · Post by **Gooberman** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 5:58 pm

Iceman wrote:
Sarge wrote:
Gooberman wrote:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?
That one is a classic, it takes most people awhile to get it. And once explained, it brings about the longest groans.
Took me almost 24 hours....
Three hours and counting ...

bar = piece of wood, and tender = soft.

Sarge · Post by **Sarge** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 6:07 pm

Gooberman wrote:
Iceman wrote:
Sarge wrote:
Gooberman wrote:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?
That one is a classic, it takes most people awhile to get it. And once explained, it brings about the longest groans.
Took me almost 24 hours....
Three hours and counting ...
bar = piece of wood, and tender = soft.

So the barkeep's response would be, "It's not, it's the same all over"

heh

Thenior · Post by **Thenior** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 6:12 pm

___________________________
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
____________________________

You told it wrong. It goes:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:11 pm

A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my god! No ★■◆●?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the ★■◆● out!"

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one looked at the other and said, does this guy taste funny to you?

i know, lame!

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:40 pm

Thenior wrote:___________________________
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
____________________________

You told it wrong. It goes:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

Still don't get it

Top Gun · Post by **Top Gun** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:58 pm

Dedman wrote:
Thenior wrote:___________________________
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
____________________________

You told it wrong. It goes:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

Still don't get it

Say...it...very...slowly...

Sarge · Post by **Sarge** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:14 pm

Dedman wrote:
Thenior wrote:___________________________
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
____________________________

You told it wrong. It goes:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

Still don't get it

Is the bar (made of wood) tender (easy to chew) here?

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:27 pm

By george she's got it!!!!

Hattrick · Post by **Hattrick** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:06 pm

aight,
Y'all force me to do this to you!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims, "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits,
head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

/me shakes head. "I can't believe I just posted that!"

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:38 pm

Sarge wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Thenior wrote:___________________________
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
____________________________

You told it wrong. It goes:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

Still don't get it
Ah, got it. Now that I feel like a complete dumbass, I belive I will go drink a beer.

Is the bar (made of wood) tender (easy to chew) here?

will_kill · Post by **will_kill** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:42 pm

Hattrick wrote:aight,
Y'all force me to do this to you!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims, "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits,
head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

/me shakes head. "I can't believe I just posted that!"

now thats funny

Gooberman · Post by **Gooberman** » Sun Oct 02, 2005 6:24 pm

This joke wasnt at all worth a new thread, so Im bumping this one.

.........

Osama Bin Ladin is in Heaven. He sees George Washington comming up to him. All of a sudden, George takes out a bat and hits him over the head, knocking him out to the ground. In which he says, "thats for trying to ruin the country I helped build."

A little spacey, Osama sees Hamilton comming up to him. Hammelton grabs him by the shirt, picks him up, and throws him. He then kicks him in the nuts. This process continues, one by one, 70 more great Americans go up to Osama, and give him a beating.

After it is all finished, an Angel goes up to Osama, Osama says, "I don't understand, this is not what I was promised...."

The Angel replies, "What are you talking about, I promised you 72 Virgins."

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Sun Oct 02, 2005 6:31 pm

Oh geez