Top 10 things to hate about Star Trek

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:03 am

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went \"wheet!\" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. \"What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?\" \"Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity.\"

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. No seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, \"You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening.\" So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. \"Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!\"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: \"Arm photon torpedoes!\"
Riker: \"Captain! Are you sure that's wise?\"
Troi: \"Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat.\"
Wesley: \"Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something.\"
Worf: \"Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby.\"
Giordi: \"Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first.\"
Picard: \"I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive.\"

Firefly:

Captain: \"Let's shoot them.\"
Crewman: \"Are you sure that's wise?\"
Captain: \"Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command.\"
Crewman: \"Aye Aye, sir!\"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be H***. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

TechPro · Post by **TechPro** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:11 am

x4

You know, in an episode of Stargate SG1 they comment that you'd think a ancient and advanced space traveling race would have come up with seat belts (this said after a crash landing).

The response?

\"We prefer not to crash.\"

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:35 am

Hahaha, some of those are great, the seat belt part one most of all.

Grendel · Post by **Grendel** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:34 am

lol.

Actually I stopped watching Voyager because I couldn't stand the techno babble anymore..

dissent · Post by **dissent** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:45 am

Harumpff. Harumpff.

I'll bet you kick babies, too.

Diedel · Post by **Diedel** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:23 am

ROFL!

My times of watching Startrek are over since the very first episode (\"Starship Enterprise?\") in my teen days.

roid · Post by **roid** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:11 am

lol, on a magazine review for some startrek votager PC game i remember the reviewers making CONSTANT jokes about the \"exploding console panels\".

the caption for every screenshot was something along the lines of \"OMG look out Paris that console looks just about ready to explode!\"... damn thing had me in stiches reading it!

when i talk to my father he will still often suggest we fix whatever problem by \"recalibrating the outside arrays and reversing the polarity of the photon defribulator system\". gotta love the treky familys.

and dude, it's not Spandex, it's velour

Zap Branigan, the best takeoff of Cpt Kirk and First Officer Riker EVAR!

Kilarin · Post by **Kilarin** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:25 am

VERY funny!

But one little correction:

Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

You forgot the period after the word show.

Firefly is, bar none, the best SF series ever produced. Character, plot, humor, emotion, and no sound in space. Oh yeah!

Kilarin

JMEaT · Post by **JMEaT** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:33 am

Funny.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:50 am

And there I was thinking about watching the re-runs on cable. Heh.
Oh and BTW, it is BSG that is the best SF....not Firefly.

Kilarin · Post by **Kilarin** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:56 am

Wood Chip wrote:Oh and BTW, it is BSG that is the best SF....not Firefly.

Dang, now I gotta put BSG on my netflix list so we can be in complete disagreement again.

Kilarin

CUDA · Post by **CUDA** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:13 am

OMG!!!!!!! dont let Lobber read this, he'll hunt you down and put in a transporter which might have an accident and spread your molecules all over the galaxy

BTW. BSG kicks FF all over the place, but B5 was the best SciFi ever

Hostile · Post by **Hostile** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:04 am

Star Trek Owns....

But the new BSG is the best ever.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:24 am

Kilarin wrote:
Wood Chip wrote:Oh and BTW, it is BSG that is the best SF....not Firefly.
Dang, now I gotta put BSG on my netflix list so we can be in complete disagreement again.

Kilarin

If you have never watched BSG and now will, you will find we are again in sync and the world trembles once more.

Flatlander · Post by **Flatlander** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 2:39 pm

You all are wack, it's obvious that Farscape was the best SF TV show evar!

Stryker · Post by **Stryker** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:07 pm

Nah, you're all wrong.

(Barney is more realistic than all of them!)

Kilarin · Post by **Kilarin** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:30 pm

Wood Chip wrote:If you have never watched BSG and now will, you will find we are again in sync and the world trembles once more.

Yep, watched the old series, never seen the new. Going to check it out and we will see, but I think the chances of it being anywhere NEAR as shiney as Firefly are miniscule, so we should be safe from armageddon for a little while yet...

Kilarin

Early: "You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?"
Simon: "What'd he do?"
Early: "Who?"
Simon: "The midget."
Early: "Arson. Little man loved fire."

Ferno · Post by **Ferno** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:17 pm

Push the dammed button already.

Boo · Post by **Boo** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:47 pm

That got several laughs

Top Gun · Post by **Top Gun** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:02 pm

As a die-hard Trek fan, that deserves a hearty \"Heh!\"

As for #5, notice that the series in question is TNG. If it had been any other Trek series, the captain would have said, \"Blow them to hell,\" and that would have been the end of it. I'd still like someone to explain to me why TNG deserves the title of best Trek show; every time I watch yet another rerun on Spike full of Picard's philosophical musings about the meaning of intelligence, God kills a kitten.

Palzon · Post by **Palzon** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:15 pm

so who wrote the list?

Duper · Post by **Duper** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:16 am

CUDA wrote: BTW. BSG kicks FF all over the place, but B5 was the best SciFi ever

X2

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:21 am

Palzon wrote:so who wrote the list?

Gene Rodenberry.

fyrephlie · Post by **fyrephlie** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:43 am

Top Gun wrote:As a die-hard Trek fan, that deserves a hearty "Heh!"

As for #5, notice that the series in question is TNG. If it had been any other Trek series, the captain would have said, "Blow them to hell," and that would have been the end of it. I'd still like someone to explain to me why TNG deserves the title of best Trek show; every time I watch yet another rerun on Spike full of Picard's philosophical musings about the meaning of intelligence, God kills a kitten.

bah on tng.... im a die hard ds9 guy... it sucked for the first two seasons (compared to the later episodes... not compared to tng) but by the time they really got into it with the dominion it was just rock solid every episode!

tng seasons 1-6 or so can go do naughty things with a donkey for all i care (especially the 'wesley saves the day' episodes (which were every 2 out of 3 or so....)

original st was ok... but i never really dug it... later seasons of tng were good.. voyager had a decent start... but really lost me after a while... and i hate the captian guy from enterprise.... so i never really got into it (you know... the quantum leap moron...)

list = mildly amusing... but left out some of my favorite things to hate... i will have to track down the good list someone sent me ages ago and post it.

Repo Man · Post by **Repo Man** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 10:49 am

Kilarin wrote:Firefly is, bar none, the best SF series ever produced.

Shouldn't "Firefly" be spelled f-y-r-e-p-h-l-i-e?

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 12:20 pm

Top Wop wrote:5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

You know, if you're going to quote Firefly, atleast get the damned quote right.

First, it was JANE that said that, not Mal, and he was talking to Wash.

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe maybe we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught.
[Starts breathing heavily]
Jayne: You can't change that by getting all...
[His voice slows]
Jayne: ... bendy.
Wash: [not understanding the bendy thing] All what?
Jayne: [obviously drugged] You've got the light... from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like...
[tries to catch the light in his hands]
Jayne: ... little angels...
[Jayne collapses with a thud. The crew just stares]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

Oh, and if you watch one of the deleted scenes for Nemesis, they actually have seatbelts on the chairs. They even had Picard make an "About time!" comment.

And Firefly beats 'em all by a long shot because of these quotes:

Guy on Planet: [drunk] Hey, you gonna toast Unification day with me? Six years today, the Alliance sent the Browcoats runnin', pissin' their pants... You know, your coat is kinda a brownish color.
Mal: It was on sale.
[drinks]
Guy on Planet: You didn't toast? Y'know, I'm thinkin' you're one o' them In'apendants...
Mal: And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schoolin', so why don't we just ignore each other 'til we go away.
Guy on Planet: ...the Independants were a bunch o' cowardly inbred pisspots, should'a been killed off o' every world spinnin'.
Mal: [puts down drink] Say that to my face.
Guy on Planet: [threateningly] I said you're a coward and a pisspot. Now what're you gonna do about it?
Mal: [smiles suddenly] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.
[Guy on Planet turns, and Zoë hits him in the face with the butt of her gun]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.

Wash: Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?
Zoë: Either blow us all up or rub soup in her hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

Zoë: Shepard, isn't the Bible kind of specific about killing?
Book: Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzy around the area of kneecaps.

fyrephlie · Post by **fyrephlie** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 12:38 pm

Repo Man wrote:
Kilarin wrote:Firefly is, bar none, the best SF series ever produced.
Shouldn't "Firefly" be spelled f-y-r-e-p-h-l-i-e?

the producers of the show had to contact me about it, since i own all the rights to the name "fyrephlie", unfortunately i had to turn them down do to some conflicting interests, and their unwillingness to meet my stipulations. (which included the main characters all wearing classic star trek 'mini skirt' uniforms throughout the show, even the males). that and the $1.5 million price tag made them balk a little.

Sting_Ray · Post by **Sting_Ray** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 2:00 pm

You are SUCH a ★■◆●ing nerd MD-(insert random 4 digit number).

Kilarin · Post by **Kilarin** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 6:26 pm

fyrephlie wrote:the producers of the show had to contact me about it...
which included the main characters all wearing classic star trek 'mini skirt' uniforms

Ha!

I'm surprised they would have objected though, Mal would have worn the skirt.

Inara: So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole airflow.
Inara: And you'd know that because...?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery.

dissent · Post by **dissent** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 8:32 pm

LOL @ MD and Kilarin.

/edit and the babes on Firefly can wear anything they want ...

roid · Post by **roid** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 9:09 pm

this firefly show sounds fun. i'll try to track it down

Kilarin · Post by **Kilarin** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 10:05 pm

Available at Amazon, and you can rent it at netflix or blockbuster. It's hard to get TV that tells as much STORY as this one does. Darn shame it got cancled.

Kilarin

Ferno · Post by **Ferno** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 10:27 pm

oh neat! now I know where the movie Serenity came from.

Top 10 things to hate about Star Trek

Top 10 things to hate about Star Trek

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