Cool or Uncool?

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 12:48 pm

I have some strong feelings on this matter but I am interested in hearing your viewpoints on it ...

Ok, the question is ... Is it cool or uncool for me to date this lady ... And I don't mean just as friends ...

Here is my situation:

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I am in the late stages of a particularly nasty divorce. I was faithful to my wife for 11 years but she was repeatedly unfaithful to me (At least 2, most likely 3, maybe 4 other men during our marriage). She has since dropped off the face of the earth, wallowing in her alcohol/drug induced alternative lifestyle, leaving me to care for our children (girls ages 7 and 9). This divorce is dragging on and on and I want to get on with my life. It will be final sometime between 2 to 5 months from now.

Anyhow, a friend of mine had been pressuring me to go out with this lady. Because of a misunderstanding he told her I would call her and gave me her phone numbers. I felt that I had to call her so that I could clear up the misunderstanding (I am still legally married) so one night about 3 weeks ago I picked up the phone and called her. I explained my situation and apologized to her. She was thankful that I was honest to her about my situation and because I was willing to call her and clear it up.

To make a long story short ... we ended up talking for over 2 hours that night and found that we had a lot in common and that we enjoyed talking to each other quite a bit. We decided to keep our friendship electronic (phone, email, AIM) and ever since we have built quite a friendship doing so. As time went on, we started flirting around and well ... we became very interested in meeting each other in person. Well, last weekend we did that and ... POOF! chemistry was found ...

Now, bear in mind here that I am a Christian. Those of you that aren't please give me a little slack here ... I am just trying to find what is the right thing to do here. I made a promise to God that I would stick with my wife through the tough times and I did so. I never gave up on her until she split to shack up with this latest druggie. I feel that God freed me from the bonds of this marriage last summer when she split. I also feel that God expects me to obey the laws of the land and I intend to do so (i.e. we are not having sex and do not intend to). Furthermore, i feel that I deserve a chance to build a new life. I like this lady a whole lot and I enjoy her company so much.

So, again the question is ... Is it cool or uncool for me to date this lady?

Will Robinson · Post by **Will Robinson** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 1:12 pm

I'd say if you're not putting at risk your ability to maintain sole custody of your children then the rest is up to you.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 1:13 pm

Well, having never gone through what you are going through it is very hard for me fully appreciate your situation and equally as easy to give advise. But, it seems to me that the right thing to do would be to maintain a platonic friendship until after the divorce is finalized.

This would serve a few purposes in no particular order.

1) You wouldnâ??t be breaking your agreement with God.
2) It would give you time to get to know her and maybe sort out your feelings.
3) It would give your kids time to adjust to you being involved, at any level, with another woman.
4) You wouldnâ??t hurt your case in the divorce proceedings.

You might also want to consider keeping the friendship platonic. It was always my personal experience that rebound relationships never worked. You have been down a very rough road. Give yourself some time to recover, regroup, and gain a fresh perspective on life.

That is what I would do.

I wish you the best of luck.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 1:13 pm

Wait until the divorce is final.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 1:36 pm

For the sake of discussion ...

Dedman : You wouldnâ??t be breaking your agreement with God

Interesting, do you feel that I have not already done this? I feel that I have in all respects. I feel that having sex while still legally married to another would violate the state laws and I intend to avoid such a relationship. I feel that doing such further keeps me within the bounds of the agreement I made with God.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Dedman : It would give you time to get to know her and maybe sort out your feelings.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
That is a very good point ... one that I agree with whole-heartedly. I don't want to jump into an intense relationship with her or anyone else for that matter until I have had ample time to discern who she really is. It is my experience with women that they are very good at hiding their weak points until well into a relationship and I would like some time to check her out and see if she is being honest with me.

Dedman : It would give your kids time to adjust to you being involved, at any level, with another woman.

I have already talked with my children on several occasions about dating. I assured them that if I did start dating someone that I would value their opinions on the woman. In fact, I feel that a relationship with any woman without the approval of my children is pointless. BTW: Both of my children were excited at the prospect of me dating and started naming names of ladies they would like to see me go out with

Dedman/Will : You wouldnâ??t hurt your case in the divorce proceedings

As long as we don't get involved sexually this most likely will not be an issue. The behavior of my soon-to-be ex-wife with respect to my daughters has been horrible and I can proove it all in court. True, having a female friend would give her something to talk about in court but ... then again ... this lady is more than willing to keep the relationship slow and discreet until I am 'legal'.

Lothar : Wait until the divorce is final.

Would you elaborate on your reasons for this?

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 2:02 pm

Not that I have any experiance at all in this matter, waiting the 2-5 months just sounds like the right thing to do. I dont have a specific reason, Lothar is probably the same way.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 4:01 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Iceman:
Interesting, do you feel that I have not already done this? I feel that I have in all respects. I feel that having sex while still legally married to another would violate the state laws and I intend to avoid such a relationship. I feel that doing such further keeps me within the bounds of the agreement I made with God.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I don't know if you have or not. Only you know what agreement you have with God and whether or not you have violated that agreement. It doesn't sound like you have though.

pipsqueak10 · Post by **pipsqueak10** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 4:51 pm

I believe Dedman makes a lot of sense in his advice. The one point I disagree with is the part about you not breaking your agreement with God. You obviously have very strong religious beliefs. If you feel that you have broken your agreement with God you probably have. However if I'm not mistaken the bible does mention something to the effect that divorce is acceptable in cases of infidelity (forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm no expert). I also agree with Lothar and Krom. 2-5 months isn't that long to wait. Heck you've probably been miserable enough so a few more months won't really matter. If you have as much in common with this lady as you say, she probably would have no objection to waiting a few months. After that I think its about time you put your misery away and start fresh with this woman. You really deserve to be happy.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 5:37 pm

I am leaning towards somthing like that ... take it really easy, slow, and platonic ... She is in no rush nor am I. I do however, intend to remain in constant electronic contact with her. I suppose we will meet every few weeks or so for lunch or dinner but keep it to that until I am legal. Who knows ... by the time I am legal we may have decided to remain 'just friends'.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 6:57 pm

Ice, I'm going to throw you a little advice...but it tacks starboard to your port heading. Talking is fine but I would limit your relationship to this lady to just that...talking. You are at your most vulnerable right now and anyone compared to your ex will seem like manna from on high. My advice is to get to know a variety of women. Once your divorce is final take at least a year before hooking up with anyone particular female. Once you start the bedding routine you will find women have a very dim view of he who is having sex with them...having sex with others. The women you are talking to now is being viewed (by you) thru glasses smudged with years of a bad relationship. Just take your time and shop around.

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 8:21 pm

i wouldn't sleep with the woman yet, but dating her is fine in my book. i would date her for awhile and see if it would work out, but given the situtaion i would take it slowly. worst thing that could happen if you keep it in your pants is that it wont work and you'll no longer have this problem. who knows, she might be the one for you. your wife at the moment obviously wasn't. she may not be, but you won't ever know if you don't give it a chance.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Tue Feb 03, 2004 10:19 pm

Ice, my reasoning was essentially the same as Dedman's.

You haven't broken your commitment or your promise to God by divorcing an unfaithful wife, unless you've been given a charge similar to Hosea

But, you're not divorced yet; wait until it goes through. I don't think that's a case of God's will so much as not hurting your case -- it seems to me that in God's eyes, the marriage bond has been broken, and the divorce is just a formality; in the state's eyes, the divorce hasn't gone through so you don't want to do anything to compromise your position.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Wed Feb 04, 2004 4:34 am

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Lothar:
Ice, my reasoning was essentially the same as Dedman's.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wow! You mean we actually agree on something?

Poozilla · Post by **Poozilla** » Thu Feb 05, 2004 2:09 pm

Ice;
As Christians we are under GRACE (new testament) not LAW (old testament). Jesus only gives us 2 instances where divorce is valid: abandonment and adultery. I would maintain a conversational relationship with your new acquaintance until your divorce was final. You'll be following God's law and the Rule of Man (which you are also admonished to follow). When all else fails...ask your Pastor !

[So, again the question is ... Is it cool or uncool for me to date this lady? ]
If your intentions are for companionship (w/o sex) and for conversation you're fine!

Bold Deceiver · Post by **Bold Deceiver** » Thu Feb 05, 2004 6:20 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Iceman:
 I have some strong feelings on this matter but I am interested in hearing your viewpoints on it ...

Ok, the question is ... Is it cool or uncool for me to date this lady ... And I don't mean just as friends ...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ice,

I don't know you, and I'm hesitant to offer my opinion on this, because I am not sure you are going to care for it. Be that as it may, I think you are conflicted on the subject, or you wouldn't have asked the question(s).

My advice:

1) Don't date anyone during marriage. I am a former Texas family law attorney (I practice business litigation now in Los Angeles). I can't offer you legal advice, but I can give you this information: In Texas, the courts look after the "best interests of the child." Period. Texas courts frown deeply upon husbands who disrespect the institution of marriage by having an affair while married. I suspect most other state courts considering the question are the same way. Moreover, it is incredibly confusing to the children.

2) Don't date anyone after marriage. You will be demonstrating to your children, through example, that Mommies come, and Mommies go; that marriage is a carousel; and that they can't count on Mommies to stick around, even after they grow attached to them, and love them. That, my friend, is horrific. Please bite the bullet on this one, and wait until the girls are 18.

3) If you choose to disregard point 2, and feel you must date while the girls are still young (and I really really really hope you choose against that) I would wait several years, at least. You need to get your act together, and not freak out the kids by introducing new Mommies.

4) Never ever ever burden your tiny children with issues pertaining to "dating approval" of any girlfriends you choose to bring home. A seven year old, or nine year old, is not old enough to make such decisions, and I find your admission that you have consulted with them on this point mortifying. Really, I do. I have counseled many clients against just this kind of behavior. If you think about it for just a minute, you'll see how selfish it is:

Your children have no capacity to make such decisions, and your involving them in the question is just unspeakably poor judgment, in my opinion. You're going through a very difficult time, but my counsel would be to focus on those children. They are going to have a difficult enough time dealing with the breakup of the home. Let them be children, don't force them to be the parent.

5) Consider getting a good lawyer. Look for one that is a specialist, or board-certified. Pay the extra freight on this one - it's worth it. That person will be able to counsel you through the rough times, and protect your interests and the interests of the children.

My two cents, Ice, for what it's worth. You're going through one of the most difficult periods in your life right now, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.

BD

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Thu Feb 05, 2004 6:44 pm

as much as i hate it, i have to mostly agree. its probalby not a good time to date someone. however i dont see the harm in getting to know this woman. what's wrong with making a new friend? i do disagree with the 18 year old rule, thats a long time. i would say just wait until they are old enough to comprehend it better.