Life After Divorce, What's Wrong With This?

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 3:59 pm

Legally I have been divorced for about 3 months but I feel that emotionally I was divorced nine years ago. Couple that with the fact that my X and I separated over 2 years ago and you can see that I have had some time to recover from the catastrophe.

I don't feel that I have to have a woman in my life in order to be happy but I have thoroughly enjoyed dating a lot of different women. Seriously, the single women my age are coming out of the woodwork where I live and I have found ways to meet a whole lot of them. One thing I have discovered is that there have got to be at least 10 or 15 women around here that I can hang with quite happily ... that is ... there are lots of women I can like. If one ends up not caring for me I don't take it personal ... some like coke, some like pepsi. I just move on ...

On weekends and such when my friends are unavailable and I don't have a date I feel comfortable going ice skating, to a restraunt, or to a movie by myself. I rarely communicate with my X and I certainly don't miss her or even think about her very often. I don't feel that women are bad in general and in fact, I feel quite a bit of hope that someday I will find just the right one for me.

So ... a few weeks ago ... here comes along this one particular little lady. We become friends and immediately develop a solid spiritual connection ... we pray with each other and for each other, we study philosophy and theology together, we communicate well with each other. We found that on the spiritual level we are pretty much in synch and have the same values. As the weeks have passed, I find myself more and more attracted to her physically and emotionally. I found myself wanting to reach out and hold her hand so one day I did and ... she responded in kind.

Now ... I am starting to feel a desire to date this woman exclusively. Sure it is fun going out with lots of different women but I desire to get to know this woman on a different level. Some of my closest friends and family seem uncomfortable about this and urge me to not tie myself down. I mean they are seriously encouraging me to NOT date this woman.

I guess my question is this ... What is wrong with me dating this woman exclusively? It's not like I am wanting to marry her, I just want to get to know her well and spend a lot of quality time together. Let me know your thoughts and experiences on this ...

CDN_Merlin · Post by **CDN_Merlin** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:04 pm

If your body/mind is telling you to date this one, do it. Don't deny yourself. If it doens't work out 3 months down the road, you aren't married and it's just easy to break it up.

Couver_ · Post by **Couver_** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:07 pm

After what you just went through it sounds like your friends don't want you go get hurt again. I'm sure they mean well. In my view though what is wrong with just dating one? You are the one who is doing it and can set to what level the relationship goes to. Only other thing I might could think of is the know "something" about her that you don't. A real friend would level why they think the way they are.

Its you life in the end Bro

Good Luck!!

Stryker · Post by **Stryker** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:29 pm

I would say keep going in your relationship; just don't take things too fast. If all you say about her is true and she is a caring Christian lady, I'm sure she can see where you're coming from. If she can't, she's probably not the right type for you. I would say ignore the relatives--or, better, simply ask them why they don't want you to date her, and try to directly resolve that issue. Other than the problems with your relatives, it sounds like you would be happy with her.

Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Admiral Thrawn** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:30 pm

You live for YOU, not your friends. To hell with what they think about what you do. But do remember this..

"Love will make you see the good in the devil, yet blind you to the truth"

From what you say though, she seems like a cool person. As far as dating exclusively, I've always dated exclusively. Too hard to keep up with multiple women.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:41 pm

Yeah, that is another factor. It gets really complicated at times. For example; this one lady had a birthday on October 10. Last week I found myself asking another lady "Isn't your birthday on October 10?". She looked at me with a strange glaze in her eyes

I care about what my friends and family think even if I disagree with them at this point. I also agree that "Love will make you see the good in the devil, yet blind you to the truth" and because of that, having a set of friends and family to be accountable to is a good thing.

I suppose that the best thing for me to do at this point is to continue on, make no promises, and keep my pants on ... Isn't that what it means to "go slow"?

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:48 pm

The old adage of waiting 6 months to a year after your divorce before dating has already come and gone for you. So that is good. The bad part is second time marriages have a 60% chance of divorce. As Elmer Fudd says, "You have to be vewwy vewwy careful".

CDN_Merlin · Post by **CDN_Merlin** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:03 pm

Just because you date for more than X months, doens't mean you have to get married right away. Took me 4 yrs of dating before I got married.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:48 pm

If you want to date her exclusively, then date her exclusively. Just keep your eyes open.

sheepdog · Post by **sheepdog** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 6:37 pm

Well,

I'm going with close friends and family. If they don't feel comfortable with it, then I would be wanting to have some in depth discussions with them as to why. It might not be easy for them to share their reasons and it might not be easy to hear them. After all, they stood with you through all your trials with the divorce and they probably know your issues in some ways better than you do yourself.

Paul, let's face it: you're a family man at heart. Eventually you're going to get married again. After all, you make a great living, you're a great father, you're attractive, a sweetheart. There's could be many great women in your future, one of whom might be the perfect mate for you, but it's possible that this woman is not "the one." Just food for thought...

Nightshade · Post by **Nightshade** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:04 pm

You still in RIP, Margo?

STRESSTEST · Post by **STRESSTEST** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:12 pm

yea man, whatever you do, just remember one thing

<3

sheepdog · Post by **sheepdog** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 8:28 pm

Heya, TB!

I'm not active in RIP anymore, though Dwn has very graciously included me in emails and such and invited me to join in. It's a great group.

Looking at the WOW screenshots, it makes me think of DwnUnders levels.

Are you a RIPper now? That would be most excellent for all concerned.

Margo

BUBBALOU · Post by **BUBBALOU** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 9:39 pm

One guideline I go by when it comes to a relationship

"It's as easy as breathing"

Then you know it's right

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:59 pm

Stress bro I love ya ... LMFAO!

Thanks for the kind words Margo. I am actually talking in depth with my youngest sister (2 years older than I and held my hand thru the fire). She actually seems to be coming around. She directed me to this "Are you ready to date" quiz and I took it ...

The results (translated) => "What are you waiting for? You have definitely moved on. You may not have shed all of your feelings about your ex -- the occasional bout of fury or wistfulness sometimes creeps up, but you definitely have your former relationship in perspective. The new women that you meet won't be punished for your ex's sins, nor suffer unfair comparisons to her. Most important, you're past the point where you need to have a woman around 24/7. You're open to the idea of meeting someone, but until that day comes you're doing just fine on your own."

After that she started to change her attitude. I think she is even a little happy for me. I feel blessed to have a family that is willing to confront me when they think I am screwing up though. Accountability is a good thing and I count on it from my family and close friends.

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:05 am

I say go for it. You only live once, so why not make it a good one?

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am

Life doesn't have to be that open and shut. If you date exclusively, then date exclusively, and later down the road if you aren't feelin it then break it off. Its a lot easier than divorce (as you well know)

The advice that I have leaned on and lived by is as simple as this:

Don't burn bridges.

dissent · Post by **dissent** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:42 am

Well, I've never been married so WTFDIK. It sounds to me, ICE, that you've got your head screwed on pretty straight, and you gotten some good advice from the above. Take it slow and best of luck to ya.

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 8:41 am

if you put too much pressure on the relationship it will burn out... so just enjoy each other.

and dont use trojans it feels like you are wearing a tire.
;-0

sheepdog · Post by **sheepdog** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 9:14 am

Oh wait a minute, Icey. Now it's coming back to me! You have like three sisters, right? Hey I figure they have the situation well under control. If they *really* didn't like it, you'd be hogtied and held in a small padded cell until they were happy, so I figure go for it!

All kidding aside it is really great that you have had family support through all this, and that bodes well for the future. Give your youngest big sister my best, she sounds like a gem!

WarAdvocat · Post by **WarAdvocat** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 9:27 am

I'm definately on the "Go for it side", my friend. You seem like you've got your head together. Obviously, given your past experiences you're going to proceed in a different fashion than you might have otherwise, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and what Bill said.

Pun · Post by **Pun** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 9:46 am

Carpe diem, my brutha. Carpe diem! Life is not a dress rehearsal. Risks are inevitable.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 5:28 pm

And I am a gambler ...

Yes Margo, I have 3 sisters ... two of which I am very close to. They are heavily in my business right now too

Tonight we go to dinner at one of Huntsville's nicest restraunts. Man this is fun ...

Oh Stress ... I disagree ...

STRESSTEST · Post by **STRESSTEST** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 6:48 pm

Those come in mini? I wouldn't you want to go without!

<3

snoopy · Post by **snoopy** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:08 pm

Stress, all I would say is, make sure you figure out what you're getting into before you get too deep. And, I'd make my kids a priority, if they don't like her, reconsider.

whuppinboy · Post by **whuppinboy** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:27 pm

little late, but go fer it!

family/friends are looking at for ya' which is a good thing but they have to understand, someone, eventually is going to catch your interest and if it wasn't this woman, than it would be another. enjoy the time together with the new woman and see where it goes, just don't say "i love you" first

gotta agree wtih cops though, tires are horrible things to wear.

snoop, kids are always going to dis-like the new woman in dad's life, i've gone through this once and am going through it again (except it's her kids not mine

) but it eventually boils down to whether or not you want to be with this person or not, your kids have some say no doubt, but it's your feelings that count, and if the new significant other treats the kids well and genuinely respects them, they'll come around and see that dad just isn't getting his freak on w/some babalonian street walker

STRESSTEST · Post by **STRESSTEST** » Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:35 pm

snoopy wrote:Stress, all I would say is, make sure you figure out what you're getting into before you get too deep. And, I'd make my kids a priority, if they don't like her, reconsider.

Hahahahaha Someone skimmed

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:16 am

LOL! Ya Think?

BTW: My kids will not meet any of the women I date until I have been seeing them for several months and I feel that it may go on for quite some time. They want a mother and will cling to any woman I bring home at this point. I am not going to be part of ripping their hearts out again by giving them hope, taking it away, and so forth ...

Pun · Post by **Pun** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:24 am

on second thought, maybe you should heed the warnings of your family and get online every night and play games with the rest of us losers.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:31 am

I tried that ... now I am divorced

STRESSTEST · Post by **STRESSTEST** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 1:32 am

Jess isn't married yet.

Nightshade · Post by **Nightshade** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 3:20 am

Stress and Jess are made for eachother.

STRESSTEST · Post by **STRESSTEST** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 1:17 pm

I guess you'll be picking up the pieces with Alice then, eh TB?

Asshat

snoopy · Post by **snoopy** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 12:16 am

Er- I meant Ice- I skimmed some, but not enough to miss the fact that it was Ice makin the thread.

I know that the kids will automatically dislike her (maybe), but I'd still listen to them, see if it's just a jealousy thing, or if they see something in her that really could be an issue.

SirWinner · Post by **SirWinner** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 12:33 am

Iceman,

I hear you man.

Divorce sure isn't easy.

Am still reeling over some of the crap from the injustice of a judge that didn't judge based on evidence but on his own whims and too close a friendship with my ex's now dead lawyer.

My time with my only child (daughter) has been severely limited because of his crap. Have seen her less than 4 hours the last 3 years.

That's just plain insane! Haven't been convicted of ANY crime but I've been treated worse than a criminal when it comes to spending time with her.

Haven't been allowed to even my precious child for her Birthday or Christmas in over 7 years.

Not even allowed to call and talk with her on the telephone. DOH!

Our daughter turns 11 within the next 3 months.

Thankfully that judge was finally disbenched for literally 1000's of poor decisions.

Same judge knowingly gave a convicted child molester total custody of his children just because he had a unjustified bias against the mother of these same children.

He picked sides in most of the court cases that came before him before the first day of divorce hearings.

Sadly still deal with the bad court decisions that he stuck me with... until perhaps one day can get a REAL lawyer that will reverse those things.

So it will be a very long while before I can believe in our (il)legal system in the USA again.

DOH!

Before getting divorced I felt distant from my now ex because it got to the point where no matter what the issue was she HAD to have the last word on it.

Sad that she would rather have the last word on a matter when she had no clue to what was really going on.

That started a rift between us I couldn't reverse no matter how hard I tried to fix it.

Then she was got very physically and mentally abusive towards me.

Then to add insult to injury she would rather spend time together with others than to spend time together alone first!

Stopped going places with her and stayed at home waiting for her to return from her precious meetings.

Made it a point to tell her what was wrong and why I was staying home... So, She decided that others were more important than rebuilding our lives together.

Don't know if I'll ever get married again or not.

It will be a long time before the trust factor can be rebuilt.

However, haven't given up on people and life.

Mr. Perfect · Post by **Mr. Perfect** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 2:50 am

Whoa, SirWinner cralled out of the woodwork.

Ympakt · Post by **Ympakt** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 2:45 pm

FWIW, my $.02:

Just take your time. I really dislike the old cliche, "If it's meant to be..." but it contains some truth. Continue to enjoy your time with your new friend, there's no rush. Keep the pressure off.