Dear America - your independece is revoked
Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 5:21 am
Dear America,
In the light of your recent failure to elect a member of the human race as your
President, and thus be in a position to sensibly govern yourselves, Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II hereby gives notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Majesty will resume monarchical duties over all states and your new Prime
Minister (Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you are unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Your so-called
President will return to more suitable tea party duties at the local zoo. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide - you will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing words compared to the rest of the English
speaking world. You should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
* The term "US English" will cease to exist. There will just be "English" -
note there is, and never has been, such things as "UK English", "Australian
English", "Outer Mongolian English" etc, etc (it's just been you versus the
rest of the world and your 'divide and rule' policy simply has not worked). We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English, Scots, Welsh, Irish and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* You should understand that Bulgaria is not part of Sweden.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast non-American actors as the
good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only
after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play 'American football'. There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as 'football' is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays 'American football'. Instead you should play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is not a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby, which is similar to 'American football', but does not involve
stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour (look up
"armour") like nancy boys. For those who will insist on carrying on playing
'American football', note that the term will be illegal and the new name will
be 'Nancy boy popcorn & hot dog show'.
* Take a tip from the Aussies (that's people from Australia for the uninitiated
- look up "uninitiated"). You can actually be proud about having no culture. If
you must make your mark on the rest of the world, do what they do by hammering
cultured nations at sport (and by that we mean sport that everyone plays),
out-drinking them or by taking the p*ss out of them. This is far better fun
than blowing up tin pot nations.
* You must learn to drink properly and that the alcoholic content of beer is
usually well over 4%, not around 1.5%. In future American strength beer will be
referred to as 'nancy boy crap'.
* The term 'God bless America' will be outlawed. Every time you get an urge to
say this you should alternatively use the equally heart-jerking phrase "Anyone
coming down the pub?" This is an equivalent phrase commonly used in the rest of
the English speaking world.
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
* The phrase 'American Dream' will be replaced by 'World Reality'. If you have a
problem with this, simply utter those magic words "Anyone coming down the pub?"
* The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 3rd of November will be a
new public holiday. It will be called "Stupidity Day".
Thank you for your co-operation.
In the light of your recent failure to elect a member of the human race as your
President, and thus be in a position to sensibly govern yourselves, Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II hereby gives notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Majesty will resume monarchical duties over all states and your new Prime
Minister (Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you are unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Your so-called
President will return to more suitable tea party duties at the local zoo. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide - you will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing words compared to the rest of the English
speaking world. You should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
* The term "US English" will cease to exist. There will just be "English" -
note there is, and never has been, such things as "UK English", "Australian
English", "Outer Mongolian English" etc, etc (it's just been you versus the
rest of the world and your 'divide and rule' policy simply has not worked). We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English, Scots, Welsh, Irish and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* You should understand that Bulgaria is not part of Sweden.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast non-American actors as the
good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only
after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play 'American football'. There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as 'football' is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays 'American football'. Instead you should play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is not a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby, which is similar to 'American football', but does not involve
stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour (look up
"armour") like nancy boys. For those who will insist on carrying on playing
'American football', note that the term will be illegal and the new name will
be 'Nancy boy popcorn & hot dog show'.
* Take a tip from the Aussies (that's people from Australia for the uninitiated
- look up "uninitiated"). You can actually be proud about having no culture. If
you must make your mark on the rest of the world, do what they do by hammering
cultured nations at sport (and by that we mean sport that everyone plays),
out-drinking them or by taking the p*ss out of them. This is far better fun
than blowing up tin pot nations.
* You must learn to drink properly and that the alcoholic content of beer is
usually well over 4%, not around 1.5%. In future American strength beer will be
referred to as 'nancy boy crap'.
* The term 'God bless America' will be outlawed. Every time you get an urge to
say this you should alternatively use the equally heart-jerking phrase "Anyone
coming down the pub?" This is an equivalent phrase commonly used in the rest of
the English speaking world.
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
* The phrase 'American Dream' will be replaced by 'World Reality'. If you have a
problem with this, simply utter those magic words "Anyone coming down the pub?"
* The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 3rd of November will be a
new public holiday. It will be called "Stupidity Day".
Thank you for your co-operation.
