My poem

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Mon Nov 29, 2004 8:08 pm

These are two of my poems. One of them i wrote last year and one this year, both for English in school. I always see people posting thier poems here so i decided i would too. Tell me what you think. Also if you have poems post them here too, just don't be hateful. The first poem doesn't have a title and is the one i wrote last year.

Good and bad things happen in life
Without a trace
darkness calls
brightness screams
you begin to hear weird things
people laugh
animals run
they begin to have some fun
you start to think and ponder
begin to wonder
what does this mean?
is it a sign?
is life one big tangles vine?
do i scream and shout
or do i sit and pout?
is life a dream?
maybe it's a plan
do you think life is one big scam
is life a game?
are we all dolls and plastic?
some parts of life are and aren't fantastic

"Tina Turner"
Anna Bullock was born November 26, 1983
In a small town called Nutbush, Tenessee.
When in her teens she joined St. Louis high,
after her grandmother had died.
She then met Ike,
whom she seemed to like.
She soon joined his band,
and found her man.
They had her first son,
named Raymond.
She moved in with Ike and got married.
They had her second baby which she carried.
Ike never devorced his first wife,
which messed up Tina's life.
He would beat her if she didn't work all of her hours.
I guess it made him feel like he had powers.
Tina aquired her quest for world wide fame
when she opened for the rolling stones in 1969.
She got tired of Ikes abuse,
so she left beceause for him she had no use.
No one thought that was good for her career,
but she didn't shed one tear.
She worked on moving back up working six nights a week.
A manager is what she wished to seek.
Once she got a manager she got a top charts album called "Private Dancer".

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Mon Nov 29, 2004 10:20 pm

you -> ptmc gallery mate

My honest opinion is you try too hard to fit your rhyming scheme and syllable count. What you're trying to say suffers for all the cramming it's being subjected to.

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 6:41 pm

hmm..Do you write poems much? I'm not that good of a poet so i'm not sure how to write a good poem without rhyming. I mean i bet i could....it just comes easier for me that way. Thanks by the way.
Phaser

Mobius · Post by **Mobius** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 10:00 pm

Phaser, before one attempts poetry, it's worthwhile understanding and using English in conventional ways - or alternatively, to use it in extremely unconventional and new ways. Can I suggest, that unless you are a person of Shakespeare's caliber, or have the talent of Alfred Lord Tennyson, or a John Masefield (see below) - then you are best to stick with conventional English.

Can I suggest to you that saying "I am not that good of a poet" is a self fulfilling prophecy, and highly inaccurate English. You can not modifiy the word "good" with the word "of" in English. You might say "I am not *much* of a poet" and that would be correct. You could even stretch English to breaking point and say "I am not that good a poet" - but this use is now deprecated, and sounds weird, despite being correct.

If you want to be a good poet, please study English hard, and forget about the rhyming thing - that just forces you into Hip-Hop, rather than actual poetry. (But maybe you have a huge future as a Hip-Hop god - who knows?)

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a gray mist on the sea's face, and a gray dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way, where the wind's like
a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

roid · Post by **roid** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:25 am

you ahve got to be ★■◆●ing joking mobi

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:43 am

Bollox Mob'. Conventional english indeed!! There ain't no such thing sunshine.

Goodbat Nightman

God bless all policemen
and fighters of crime,
May thieves go to jail
for a very long time.

They've had a hard day
helping clean up the town,
Now they hang from the mantelpiece
both upside down.

A glass of warm blood
and then straight up the stairs,
Batman and Robin
are saying their prayers.

* * *

They've locked all the doors
and they've put out the bat,
Put on their batjamas
(They like doing that)

They've filled their batwater-bottles
made their batbeds,
With two springy battresses
for sleepy batheads.

They're closing red eyes
and they're counting black sheep,
Batman and Robin
are falling asleep.

Roger McGough

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 7:05 pm

Mobius wrote:Phaser, before one attempts poetry, it's worthwhile understanding and using English in conventional ways - or alternatively, to use it in extremely unconventional and new ways. Can I suggest, that unless you are a person of Shakespeare's caliber, or have the talent of Alfred Lord Tennyson, or a John Masefield (see below) - then you are best to stick with conventional English.

This calls for the STFU MOBIUS pic. Don't condescend is the second rule of writing, and you're breaking it in the worst way possible right here.

edit: I support an understanding of grammar, but as a means of discussing the effect of writing. Speaking with perfect grammatical correctness is not only unneccacery in today's world, it can prevent you from creating an effect you desire.

JMEaT · Post by **JMEaT** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:20 pm

As many times as my STFU Mobi pic is requested can we please just implement it into UBB? Like "/stfumobi"?

Topher, make it so!!!1

DCrazy · Post by **DCrazy** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:23 pm

In keeping with DBB emoticon style, it should be :stfumobius:, just like

should be :aceface: (as well as >:http://www.google.com( for us oldbies)

JMEaT · Post by **JMEaT** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:23 pm

Ok, that works. Make it so dangit!!1

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:47 pm

JMEaT wrote:As many times as my STFU Mobi pic is requested can we please just implement it into UBB?

Nope, we're not on ubb anymore :p

Sirius · Post by **Sirius** » Thu Dec 02, 2004 10:48 pm

phpBB probably makes it easier.

Nonetheless, did it not occur to any of you that he might actually have a point?

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:49 am

Of course Mob' has a point, it's just that i don't happen to concur. I don't agree that there is such a thing as "conventional english" The definition of conventional means to be bound by conventions to the point of artificiality. Language, thankfully never is. If it was we'd still be talking like chaucer or some other dude with a quill in his hand.

To restrict somone who aspires to write poetry to what others consider to be "conventional english" or conventional forms of writing is the type of literary snobbery that makes my blood boil. In the end though it won't matter a jot because in a short amount of time no-one will be speaking or writing the way we do now, thats de beuty ov da fing.

So Phaser, do your thing sunshine, let your soul sing.

FC

Sirius · Post by **Sirius** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 8:10 am

Right... I guess I have to agree there. However, poetry is one of these areas where if there is any major feature, there should ideally be a reason for it... which includes particularly vernacular English.

Not that I noticed any of it in Phaser's work... and honestly, you have to start somewhere anyway.

HaAGen DaZS · Post by **HaAGen DaZS** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 5:45 pm

its the feeling at the time thats important, not what is actually there.
even if someone writes something tonight, put all their might into it, and they feel pleased, or have some sort of positive energy from it, thats what matters. s/he could not give a rats ass about the writing in 5 mins time, it doesnt matter.

anywho, here's a few of my crappy poems/lyrics:

society

drinking away our problems
take alook around
is there nothing that opens your eyes?

rise up, just to find an escape,
whats left to say?
whats still to change?
lets get a quick fix...

blackend eyes and slouching out
bragging about your sleeze
nothing quite like a life as a king
to your diciples of lust

do you ever think about what is actually yours?
are you scared to be confined to nothing?
open up your eyes...
is there someone else under the skin?
think twice about this, it just a warning...

you'll never be free..

this is a really stupid one, and no its not serious.

Baby... you broke my heart....
Maybe ... you realise why I broke your face...
Baby... You knew right from the start...
Maybe... you should have said in your place...

Oh, yeah... I love you so.
Oh, yeah... I told you so.
Oh, yeah... I love you, baby....
Or else...

...I'll try something new now.
What I'll do? I don't know.
Someone show me the way,
Lost in my own thoughts,
I need to get away,
Someplace, to rest.

Oh baby-o, I can't go on
Oh, won't you be mine?
Oh, I need you now, baby,
Yeah. I told you so. I love you-I-do.

So, you're mine again!
Together at last!
Let's stay together, forever.

I can't believe I thought this would work...

Baby... you broke my heart....
Maybe ... you realise why I broke your face...
Baby... You knew right from the start...
Maybe... you should have stayed in your place...

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:09 pm

HaAGen DaZS wrote:its the feeling at the time thats important, not what is actually there.
even if someone writes something tonight, put all their might into it, and they feel pleased, or have some sort of positive energy from it, thats what matters.

It doesn't even have to be positive. However, I'm going to disagree on a fine point here. The words DO matter, as they dictate the piece's ability to share your moment with your audience. That's what writing is about to me, doing everything I can to share a feeling.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:15 pm

Are you serious Phaser? The best poetry doesn't rhyme, or if it does, it uses it in a way that its not either A: distracting or B: muddles the message of the poem. Poets who try to rhyme just for the sake of rhyming...sound...well...like a twelve year old girl trying to write poetry.

Conventional English is great if you're writing Shakesperean sonnets with iambic pentameter, but for free verse poetry (no rhyme scheme) you should structure your verses how you see fit the poem.

The best way to write better is to read more. Poetry books are easy to read because you can pick it up and read a poem in like ten seconds, unlike a novel where you'd have to sit down and read the whole thing.

Here's one I've written and posted here before called Preacher

Code: Select all

Do you desire?
Hallelujah

As God turns Himself inside out
As He hears a thunderclap/breaking hopes
The preacher slams down his fist
The fat black ladies in the choir praise out
Hallelujah

Do you bleed?
Hallelujah

As the fire oozes down from heaven
Like blood from Sodom and Gomorrah
The preacher wipes sweat from his brow
And the choir ladies sing their psalm
Hallelujah

Do you wonder?
Hallelujah

As the voices of unrelenting thousands
Cut away the hearts of many/four inch slits at a time
The preacher throws back his head
And the choir ladies clap their hands
Hallelujah

Answer me.
The choir stops

The blind lead the blind into the future
One filled with duality and intolerance
The preacher breaks his sermon
You cannot be affected, so you cannot understand
Because holy water doesnâ??t mix with oil
But blood does
Hallelujah








Amen.

No rhyme, not a pre-set structure. You just got to pick something that goes with your poem and stick to it. Sometimes you want to have a structure of 4 lines per stanza, sometimes you want to have no stanzas, just lines, sometimes you want to have it all one stanza. Depends on the poem, and the tastes of the writer, and the tastes of the reader.

The real thing I must ask of you if you really want to write is please please please don't try to describe abstract ideas using abstract ideas. The end result is the typical crappy teenager angsty poetry. take a concrete thing; a place a person a taste a touch a sound...and use it to describe an abstract term.

And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT USE THE WORDS:

Heart
Soul
Chasm
Void

or the colour BLACK when talking about any of those above things

Please, you'll just sound like a dumb goth.

I can rant more, but I need to go have a social life now.

DCrazy · Post by **DCrazy** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:52 pm

Sorry beo, but that's pretty structured.

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 8:31 pm

Beowulf wrote: Poets who try to rhyme just for the sake of rhyming...sound...well...like a twelve year old girl trying to write poetry.

Will you please stop. I'm not 12 or 13, that buggs me. Please.

Sage · Post by **Sage** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:28 pm

It's just feedback. Lern 2 take it, lern 2 lern from it.

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:49 pm

Beowulf wrote:Are you serious Phaser? The best poetry doesn't rhyme, or if it does, it uses it in a way that its not either A: distracting or B: muddles the message of the poem.

Allow me to introduce you to Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Sat Dec 04, 2004 1:12 pm

Yes, I've read charge of the light brigade before. Thank you for showing an example of a poem with a rhyme scheme that doesn't distract and doesn't muddle the message of the poem

Dcrazy, I know that its structured. But I'm showing an example of not having a rhyme scheme and still having an organized poem.

Phaser, if you don't want criticism, don't write. I'm just trying to give you some advice.

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Sat Dec 04, 2004 4:27 pm

Beowulf wrote: Phaser, if you don't want criticism, don't write. I'm just trying to give you some advice.

I appreciate the advice, and I took the advice. But you don't have to put it that way, don't hate. Thanks though, i see what you were saying. Phaser Out..!

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:02 pm

Beowulf wrote:Yes, I've read charge of the light brigade before. Thank you for showing an example of a poem with a rhyme scheme that doesn't distract and doesn't muddle the message of the poem

Dcrazy, I know that its structured. But I'm showing an example of not having a rhyme scheme and still having an organized poem.

Phaser, if you don't want criticism, don't write. I'm just trying to give you some advice.

I assumed your line in italics was something more intelligent than making your paragraph read "good poetry doesn' rhyme except when it does." since if the rhyming scheme "distract"s or "muddle"s it's not good poetry. Excuse my overestimating you

Seriously, I find Tennyson's verse in that poem to be constrained by his structure. Perhaps it's a difference of pronounciation though.

Ferno · Post by **Ferno** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:35 pm

sorry if it's late, but we need another 'STFU mobius' pic.

RUL- · Post by **RUL-** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:34 pm

I like the first one, Phaser. Nice job for your age. Keep writing.. it's healthy.. and stuff.

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:53 pm

hehe. thanks.

Bad@sskow · Post by **Bad@sskow** » Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:12 pm

GREAT POEMS PHASER!!! Now if only I could write that good.....

Anyways whoop Go Phaser go Phaser she's our poet!!

Vertigo 99 · Post by **Vertigo 99** » Thu Dec 09, 2004 4:27 pm

this thread sux

p.s. i just noticed that this bb doesn't have the "thumbs down" emoticon that i needed in order to finish my post. fux.

Sickone · Post by **Sickone** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 10:06 pm

Phaser...

If you write, write for yourself.

★■◆● dickheads like mobi who clearly have no clue what poetry is about. Ignore everything but your feelings, if others like it - hey great, if not - so what.

here is one of mine from 30 years ago, but has always been one of my favs

Deep in the Mirror

I speak with the Gods to learn whats unknown.
I journey with elves to see whats unshown.

I listen to ledgends to hear whats unsaid.
I fall through the night so to feel with the dead.

I run down light walkways.
I blacken bright days.

I turn the clock wrongward, to do whats been done.
I follow the moon, so to be chased by the sun.

It's been said I move backward, truth with denial.
I am sentenced and judged, then hold my trial.

The prince of all knowledge some say I am.
Many others claim I'm the lord of the damned.

These fallacies claimed I just can not see.
Fore I look deep in the mirror, and see only me.

Kevin Murphy

Jon the Great · Post by **Jon the Great** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 10:50 pm

Kevin Murphy from MST3K? or different kevin?

Jon the Great · Post by **Jon the Great** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 10:51 pm

Kevin Murphy from MST3K? or different kevin?

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 10:35 am

This is my latest poem. I'm not going to say who it is to or for.

You pick me up when I fall down.
You make me smile when I frown.
You turn my gray sky into blue.
You wipe the tears from my eyes when I cry.
You fix me when Iâ??m sore.
All these things you do for me and more.
What do I do for you?
Iâ??m not sure, I havenâ??t one clue.
But I do knowâ?¦.
I love you with all of my heart.
Iâ??m not sure where to start.
You mean the world to me.
All I can do is thank the lord for what he has given me.
I hope you can see,
What you mean to me.
I will give up the world for you, even more.
I know that for sure.

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:49 pm

much, much better

Sirius · Post by **Sirius** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 3:42 am

Yeah, the rhyming isn't as strict and it seems to make it sound much more natural.

Not that strict rhyming is inherently bad... it's just a lot harder to do.

But you're doing well. Keep it up!

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:55 pm

thanks. I'm trying... If you have any more tips for me please give them to me. I'm trying to get better at writing poems. I enjoy writing them....sometimes they just aren't as good as i had hoped.

Phaser

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:02 pm

Grasshopper leaps to bladed leaf
to fall upon her twisted toes
Up again the leaper goes
a hundred times or more
'till finally she catches fragile fief

Sometimes Phaser, poetry is writing about things you know.
In this case I wrote this little stanza about you (not that I know anymore about you than what you've posted). Style is the way you write or another way of looking at it is how you present it. What words and how you combine them are important. So I could of wrote the above poem thusly:

A grasshopper jumps up to a green leaf
only to fall and wrench a toe
Again she leaps and goes
a hundred times she tries or more
until she finally succeeds and feels relief

Not quite the same is it. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme but it should "sing". Cadence helps as does using words in succession that start with the same letter. If you want to learn to write poetry...read poetry and find a style you enjoy.

Phaser · Post by **Phaser** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:12 pm

Thanks wood chip. But where do you get things like grasshopper from. I would end up saying something like a girl or something, i wouldn't think of anything like a grasshopper and leaves.

woodchip · Post by **woodchip** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:30 pm

Phaser, the term "Grasshopper comes from a 1970's era t.v. show called "Kungfu:

"the flashbacks to Caine's youth, where the orphaned half-American and half-Chinese boy served as disciple ("Grasshopper") to the Old Man;"

http://www.super70s.com/Super70s/TV/Misc/Kung_Fu.asp

I'll let you figure out the rest of the implied meaning of my artifice.

Phoenix Red · Post by **Phoenix Red** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:52 pm

Pop culture strikes again! I'm reasonably sure neither Kung Fu series is the source of the term grasshopper. Crickets are lucky n stuff.