The forums are stale, time for a fresh round of jokes:
What is a yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts..
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blond?
A Golden Retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Jokes to offend everyone.
ANGER MANAGEMENT 101
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that nyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robinâ??s correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an A$$****!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'A$$****' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an A$$****!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'A$$****' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an A$$****!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first A$$**** (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW A$$****, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an A$$****."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called A$$**** #1. "Hello." "You're an A$$****!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen.."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A$$****, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said,â?
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that nyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robinâ??s correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an A$$****!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'A$$****' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an A$$****!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'A$$****' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an A$$****!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first A$$**** (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW A$$****, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an A$$****."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called A$$**** #1. "Hello." "You're an A$$****!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen.."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A$$****, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said,â?
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Vertigo 99
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Mr. Perfect
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Nitrofox125
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Re: No, not really...
That is awesome!Mr. Perfect wrote:
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suicide eddie
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Mr. Perfect
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Lothar
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Here are some jokes that may or may not offend mathematicians, engineers, and/or physicists (hat tip: dad):
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
__
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer said, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician took out his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knew something about horses! The others both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he said, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
__
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer said, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician took out his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knew something about horses! The others both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he said, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
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Vertigo 99
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Hattrick
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving with you in the car."
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer
husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving with you in the car."
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer
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Lothar
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LOL @ Hattrick
V99: very often, mathematicians will make assumptions that are totally bogus (like "assume every _____ is identical" or "assume every _______ is a spherical particle") and then do the math from there, and get pretty good results. That's especially true when dealing with models of real biological populations. Assume every fish is identical, treat them all as spheres with certain properties of motion, and then you calculate how they move down the river and how likely they are to be captured by identical, spherical, uniformly distributed predators.
V99: very often, mathematicians will make assumptions that are totally bogus (like "assume every _____ is identical" or "assume every _______ is a spherical particle") and then do the math from there, and get pretty good results. That's especially true when dealing with models of real biological populations. Assume every fish is identical, treat them all as spheres with certain properties of motion, and then you calculate how they move down the river and how likely they are to be captured by identical, spherical, uniformly distributed predators.
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Vertigo 99
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A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist were all watching an empty house. They observe two people go in, and three people come out.
The biologist says to the other two, "well, they must of procreated, thats the only way we can get two to three,"
The physist responds, "no no, we made some statistical error, it must have really been three all along,"...
The mathematician, thinking quietly to himself then utters, "you know, if one of us goes in there, then the house will be empty."
The biologist says to the other two, "well, they must of procreated, thats the only way we can get two to three,"
The physist responds, "no no, we made some statistical error, it must have really been three all along,"...
The mathematician, thinking quietly to himself then utters, "you know, if one of us goes in there, then the house will be empty."
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TheCops
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I work with a pile of garbage who shoots his dirty dog water into fat, lethargic white women who work in cubes 40 hours a week. That would be all "none of my bizness" cept his disgustingly bloated wife is pregnant with their 3rd child. He actually thinks he has a haremâ?¦ I think he has a harem full of stretch marks I couldnâ??t even get an erection for.
The punch line is your tax money.
The punch line is your tax money.
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Vertigo 99
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Nitrofox125
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound minded ness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound minded ness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
