Headlines

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 7:30 am

My apologies if this is old. I just saw it and figured it was worth a pass along.

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,
Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 8:33 am

*heh*

Tetrad · Post by **Tetrad** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:35 pm

Excruciatingly lame.

CDN_Merlin · Post by **CDN_Merlin** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:51 pm

Tetrad wrote:Excruciatingly lame.

WTF, that's the funniest thing I've seen on here in ages.

Nosferatu · Post by **Nosferatu** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:54 pm

Dont you know? We're not even going to get there.

The world is going to end on December 21st 2012.

The Mayans said so.

Floyd · Post by **Floyd** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 3:09 pm

someone (if it wasn't nostradamus or some religious dude/group, it was about the 2k bug) also said the world's gonna end in 2000. then either he talked to us from a parallel universe, or he'd got a wrong calendar. or he was just nuts and wanted some attention.

Topher · Post by **Topher** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 5:08 pm

"Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut."

hehehe

roid · Post by **roid** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 8:17 pm

haha. culturally specific jokes but still simple enough that even i got em. (abiet - the dates are a little forward, knock them all back 200 years and it may actual be plausable)

I wouldn't be surprised if the ozone thing could actually happen.