Joke (maybe posted before)

[CDN_Merlin]

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

Look below for punch line


































































CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[will_kill]

velly funny

[Kiran]

ROFLOL

[D3Hack]

ROFL!!!

[Hattrick]

grrrr,
theres a spoof video of this joke out there.

but alas, my google skills are not finding it.

*EDIT*

ahh found it at College slackers.

enjoy

[Vertigo 99]

already posted, but a good one.

[Krags]

1. A couple is lying in bed one night. The man turns to his wife.
   
   "Honey?"
   
   "Yes?"
   
   "Do you remember that time when we were kids, and your dad caught us, and he said I could either marry you or he'd send me to jail for thirty years?"
   
   "Yes, I remember. Why?"
   
   "... I'd be a free man today."
2. A Polish airline pilot is bringing his plane in for a landing and he notices the runway is the shortest one he's ever seen. It's a rough landing, but with his prodigious skill and years of experience, he manages to bring the airliner to a stop mere inches from the end of the runway, narrowly avoiding a disaster.
   
   "Did you see that?" He says to his co-pilot. "That's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
   
   "Yeah," agrees his co-pilot, "but it sure is wide!"
3. A pastor dies and winds up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter finishes review of the guy in front of the pastor, dresses the guy in a fine silk robe, hands him a magnificently wrought golden staff, and welcomes him into heaven.
   
   Now it's the pastor's turn. St. Peter looks him up in his book, reads over his history, and when he finishes, dresses him in a comfortable cotton robe, hands him a sturdy wooden staff, and welcomes him into heaven. The pastor wonders why the guy in front of him got the good stuff, and respectfully asks St. Peter why that is.
   
   "It's because that guy drove a taxi in New York," replies St. Peter.
   
   "I don't understand," says the pastor. "What does that have to do with it?"
   
   "Well," says St. Peter, "up here we go by results. You see, while you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."
4. A symphony orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th. In this piece there is a long section of about 20 minutes during which the bassists are just resting. During this performance, rather than sit there doing nothing, the orchestra's two bassists decide to sneak out for a drink at the pub across from the concert hall. After tossing back several cold ones in quick succession, one of them looks at his watch and is alarmed to discover that they are most likely late.
   
   "Relax," says the other. "I thought we might need a bit more time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string before we started tonight. He'll have to slow down to get it undone in time. We've got time for a few more."
   
   After that few more, they stagger back into the concert hall and take their places in the orchestra.
   
   A short time later, an audience member notices that the conductor seems a little tense, and mentions this to her companion.
   
   "Well of course he is," says her companion. "Don't you see...?"
   
   "... It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
5. Bob is on the bus to work one morning when all of a sudden he hears a loud voice.
   
   "BOB," says the voice, "SELL YOUR HOUSE AND ALL OF YOUR POSESSIONS."
   
   No one else on the bus seems to have heard the voice. Bob is somewhat disconcerted, but soon puts it out of his mind. The next morning, however, it happens again.
   
   "BOB," the loud voice which no one else seems to hear says, "SELL YOUR HOUSE AND ALL OF YOUR POSESSIONS."
   
   The voice says the same thing two more times that day. Bob begins to wonder if he is going crazy.
   
   Day after day goes by and the voice repeats its demand with increasing frequency. Finally Bob gives in, in the hope the voice will stop. He sells his house and everything he owns. When he has nothing left to his name except the clothes on his back and a big ol' briefcase of cash, he hears the voice again.
   
   "BOB," says the voice, "GO TO LAS VEGAS."
   
   Figuring "Why not," Bob catches the next flight to Las Vegas. When he arrives, the voice says, "BOB, GO TO CAESAR'S PALACE." Bob hails a cab and tells the driver to go to Caesar's Palace. Arriving there, Bob hears the voice again.
   
   "BOB, FIND THE NEAREST BLACKJACK TABLE." Bob finds the nearest blackjack table.
   
   "BOB, BET EVERYTHING," says the voice. Bob puts his big ol' briefcase of cash on the table.
   
   The dealer gives Bob an 8 and a 9 for 17. "BOB, TAKE ANOTHER CARD," says the voice.
   
   Bob hesitates. Any blackjack player would tell you to stand on 17, and Bob is risking everything he's worth here.
   
   "BOB, TAKE ANOTHER CARD," commands the voice.
   
   Bob complies and asks the dealer for another card. It's an ace. Bob has 18.
   
   "BOB, TAKE ANOTHER CARD," commands the voice again.
   
   Bob reluctantly asks the dealer for yet another card, certain he'll be ruined. The dealer gives him another ace. 19.
   
   "BOB," says the voice yet again, "TAKE ANOTHER CARD."
   
   Bob is very reluctant this time. Hit on 19 with two aces gone already?
   
   But the voice is insistent. "BOB, TAKE ANOTHER CARD," it again commands.
   
   Bob nervously asks the dealer for another card. The dealer gives him a third ace. Bob has 20.
   
   "BOB," commands the voice again, "TAKE ANOTHER CARD."
   
   No way, thinks Bob. The chances of drawing the last ace must be ridiculously small and his 20 is going to be just about as hard to beat.
   
   Nevertheless, the voice again commands, "BOB, TAKE ANOTHER CARD."
   
   With this hand? thinks Bob. Against the ridiculously small chance of drawing the last ace? With my entire worth at stake?
   
   "BOB," says the voice again, and for the first time it sounds angry, "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
   
   Bob, with a trembling voice, tells the dealer, "Hit me."
   
   The dealer turns over the last ace. Bob has 21. He wins.
   
   "HOLY S***!"

[WarAdvocat]

LOL at the blackjack joke, and at me... I had to re-read it.. Twice.

[Krom]

#3 was great.

[Liquid Fire]

Hehe. Blackjack one was worth the reread to get it

[CDN_Merlin]

I don't get the blackjack one, someone care to explain?

[Lobber]

THE VOICE IS SUPRISED HE WON!

[Krom]

Lobber, the spoiler tag is on the BB for a reason.

[Liquid Fire]

If you've gone as far as lobber's post and still don't get it, you're probably looking for the answer anyways.

[Mobius]

A man and his wife are lying in bed together one evening. The husband who has just had a health scare asks his wife, "Darling, if I died, would you get married again?" She thinks for a moment and replies, "Yes. Yes I would. The children need a father figure, and I need company."

The husband lies there for a minute. Then he asks, "Honey, would you sleep in this bed with him?"

She sighs quietly and says, "Yes dear. After all, he'd be my husband!"

Another minute goes by, and the husband asks. "Baby, would you let him use my custom-made Ping golf clubs?"

The wife immediately replies. "No. Of course not darling." and then adds. "He's left handed."

[Money!]

Wow. I am slow. I reread it once just because I thought it was hilarious. After 2 total reads I thought it was the guy saying Holy ★■◆● and still the joke was awesome.

Thanks to lobber for claryfing.