Oldies but Goodies
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--
who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain
and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them?"
--Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors
of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could
be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. bunch
of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and
all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told
that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
1 "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you
were a member of
Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney
Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need
a place."
--Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and
the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-Unknown, presumed deceased
