How would you approach this situation?

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:04 am

I have a roommate that's been living here for about eighteen months now and I first met him when I rented a space at a Lan gaming center about 14 years ago. He was a quiet and respectable fellow, above average intelligence, friendly, and polite. I didn't see him for about 10 or so years and he called about a room we had for rent and moved in. He loves to mountain bike and works at a bike shop as a repair tech. He has had some serious crashes over his life, including tearing his face open and almost dying. One last year in particular has definitely rattled his brain and he has changed. He has become moody, rude, anti-social, and spends all of his spare time in his room on the 'puter including eating in front of it. He doesn't contribute to the house duties in any way shape or form and complains how many serious issues he has on his plate, (really what fricken' huge life issues are you getting from biking down a mountain or fixing bikes?) I've tried many times to engage him socially around the house and in activities such as BBQ's, fires, dinners with guests, TV/Movies, but he refuses to partake and sits in his smelly room every spare moment. I've had a previous roommate indicate that they heard him throwing up in the morning. I thought perhaps he was sick or had too much to drink the night before so I thought nothing of it. Recently I have been waking up early and I hear him throwing up every morning now. He will eat a lasagna dinner for a family of four the night before plus desert, a couple liters of pop, chips, and chocolate bars. No breakfast and I'm assuming no lunch, then exercise hard riding his bikes. The guy is bulimic... I knew a girl with it and now that I have realized it all the symptoms are there. He also could be suffering from concussions as well because he does some weird actions and has no recollection of performing them. One is he'll come into the kitchen, stand in front of the cutlery drawer, stare straight ahead with a blank expression on his face for sometimes three or four minutes... then pull out a random piece of cutlery, set it on the counter then leave. I'm like watching this while making dinner and don't know what to say or think at this point. I leave the cutlery where he placed it thinking that he perhaps was preparing to use it some time in the future, but after three days of it sitting unmoved I'll ask, \"You gonna use that or is it a decoration?\" He denies even placing it there and has no recollection of performing the acts. Recently the forks and spoons have turned into knives and it frankly scares me. The guy is actually a good person but his brain definitely isn't working right and the chemical imbalances are causing him depression and anxiety disorders. Even my Australian roommate has commented he has been very rude to her. If any of you have met an Australian you know they are usually a happy bunch and pretty easy to get along with. I tried to approach him and see what is wrong but he is unwilling to talk and runs to his room every time. I don't know his parents very well but know that the Landlord has a professional association with his father, so today I called the Landlord and asked him to contact his parents and let them know their Son needs some help. I get the distinct sense this guy is going to off himself one of these days and maybe someone else if they are in the way. Do you think I did the right thing or should I have just let the guy self destruct bringing the rest of the house down with him? Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.

Nuck out.

Foil · Post by **Foil** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:29 am

I'd say you did the right thing, Canuck. Sounds like the guy really needs some help, and contacting his father is probably a good way to go about starting that process.

Octopus · Post by **Octopus** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:59 pm

You're roommates, not brothers. In my experience with roommates you need to set firm rules and treat it like a business. I made the mistake in managing roommates like family or best friends and it always causes problems.

If he's paying rent and keeping up with his share of chores then who cares if he's not nice to you. He doesn't have to like you. He can treat you like a business, and just act like a robot around you.
On the other hand if he's being unprofessional in his behavior (like cussing you out) and NOT keeping up with his end of the verbal contract (rent and chores) then he must be asked to correct the issue or leave with in a legal amount of time.

Since I'm not sure exactly what's happening, because this person can't speak for him self, you need to figure out who's the real problem.

Sllik · Post by **Sllik** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:30 pm

The ugly balancing act to the business approach is that if you don't pull any punches and he's not capable of coping with the issue in his current unstable state, things could turn volatile and even life-threatening. If his eating habits are what you think they are, that's noteworthy and needs to be addressed, but isn't as big of an issue as his space-out periods and aggressive changes in behavior.

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:40 am

Well the thing is he hasn't taken out the garbage or done any chores at all for quite a few months. He's really good at leaving greasy hand prints all over, or a dirty stove and counter tops as well. He forgets to lock the doors, leaves the lights on, and is the guy that if someone is having a shower starts up laundry or flushes the toilet. He used to vacuum once in a while or would take out the garbage sometimes but generally the new girl and I are the ones left doing all the chores now. I prefer to have a friendly, caring atmosphere around the house and it really helps to know that you can count on your roommates and trust them. A few times now I hinted that one day he would find a place on his own but his reply was, \"But I am on my own.\" \"Um-mm I mean all by yourself\"... but he didn't get the hints.

Today I had a very beautiful woman come for a surprise visit that used to live in the suite downstairs five years ago, and after she took me out for lunch we ended up back at my house and spent over ten hours talking about everything, (She's smart which is a big turn on for me, and smoking hot to boot). While she was here she met the guy and after he left for his room upstairs, she commented his eyes were dark and expressionless and had no emotion... dark and creepy were her exact words for her first impressions of the fellow. Actually we had about twenty words with him before he left, more than the other roommate and I have had all the previous weeks with the guy.

While she was talking to him I checked the call display and noticed his parents had called maybe fifteen minutes before we had arrived, so I think the talk with his parents jolted him to some semblance of reality temporarily. Also talking to a very pretty woman probably motivated him to stick around more than thirty seconds too.

While we were talking we heard loud retching noises from upstairs... quite plainly and the toilet flushing four times. She had a perplexed look on her face and then I explained the situation. She said dealing with this type of disorder is just like dealing with an alcoholic as they refuse to believe anything is wrong with them and can become violent and go into denial when confronted with the issue.

She had a friend with an eating disorder and first hand experiences with it. I was hoping to have a sit-down with him today to start dealing with the issue but frankly a free dinner and staring into a hot, sexy, intelligent woman's eye's for ten hours was more productive on my end and somehow more gratifying.

I'm going to arrange a talk with all three of us to air our concerns because he refuses to communicate or participate properly with the household, and also give him some numbers for a few local psychologists that deal with these disorders to try and start the ball rolling. I'm going to be as positive and honest and as non-confrontational as possible and try and let him know that he has support from us. If he turns into Cujo and refuses to deal with it like an adult, then I'm going to have to give him both barrels and start looking for a new roommate.

P.S.
The surprise visitor is coming back out Tuesday for another visit with me

(JOY! My experiences have taught me if a woman wants to drive back for another visit then that its a positive sign).
Along with the bad comes some good. Rama Rama

Octopus · Post by **Octopus** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:26 am

Good luck!

dissent · Post by **dissent** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 2:30 pm

Canuck wrote:I'm going to arrange a talk with all three of us to air our concerns because he refuses to communicate or participate properly with the household, and also give him some numbers for a few local psychologists that deal with these disorders to try and start the ball rolling. I'm going to be as positive and honest and as non-confrontational as possible and try and let him know that he has support from us. If he turns into Cujo and refuses to deal with it like an adult, then I'm going to have to give him both barrels and start looking for a new roommate.

Yeah, I think this sounds like a good way to handle things. The guy doesn't have a right to live with you; he has to play well with his neighbors or expect to not be welcomed there.

Gekko71 · Post by **Gekko71** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:34 pm

I think you're going about it exactly the right way Canuck. You displayed patience and gave the guy his space (which he obviously seems to need) - yet when you noticed the disturbing signs, you intervened in an appropriate way. If there's no change then you need to take it further - which you're doing, and again, in an appropriate way (despite the potential harm he could do to himself, his lifestyle is also affecting you, which gives you the right to act IMO).

I think your instincts about your room-mate have been spot on so far, so keep on going. (hopefully your instincts are spot on about the hottie too

)

PS: Nice to have you back Foil.

Octopus · Post by **Octopus** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 10:40 pm

If you live in Texas and your name is on the papers to the place you're living at. And he refuses to leave, you can shoot him, I believe. I think it counts as theft of property or something... Ask a lawyer. He should find something in there for you.

edit:
joking.

ShamWOW · Post by **ShamWOW** » Sun Jun 14, 2009 11:02 pm

Kiran · Post by **Kiran** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:53 am

Canuck, I hope that talk with him goes well. It seems like some sort of disorder in his head, and that can be very unstabilizing in a person. Unstable people= chaos if you don't approach certain topics just right. Believe me, I know someone like that and it's disturbing how she lives her life.

BUBBALOU · Post by **BUBBALOU** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:18 am

Sounds to me like he is a in denial diabetic and stoner to boot..
maybe he has cancer...
maybe he's lactose intolerant

just because people throw up does not only mean eating disorder.......

but it looks like you are going to find out..

---------------------------------------------
I was talking in tongues, throwing up ever 5 minutes, and smelled like acetone(nail polish remover) ..... if you can figure out what i had..... I'll give you a cookie

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:33 am

Seriously... eating a dinner for four plus snackage, then throwing up on a daily basis for months on end means something is wrong with your eating habits. My biggest problem now is to get all three of us together at the same time. The girl is a social butterfly and always out, and I'm not sure if he's home, dead, or alive because many times he won't answer his door when people knock on it. He also won't answer the house phone or doorbell unless he knows in advance its for him. Its his day off and I still haven't seen him emerge from his room. I should just lean the vacuum cleaner up against his door and see if he gets the hint. I was considering writing out an invoice for maid services and cleaning supplies. I did that to two roommates who didn't do a thing for three months, and they paid. One guy started arguing but I told him I was prepared to go to small claims court whereupon he could pay my court costs and a day's wages too. He forked out and learned to take out the garbage and recycling. Kids now a days sheesh!

BUBBALOU · Post by **BUBBALOU** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:45 am

Canuck wrote:Seriously... eating a dinner for four plus snackage, then throwing up on a daily basis for months on end means something is wrong with your eating habits.

maybe, maybe not... you only see 2 symptoms whether they are related or not is not for you to decide unless you are a doctor... don't assume but don't ignore

I easily can eat a that amount on a daily basis so....

Grendel · Post by **Grendel** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:45 am

Canuck wrote:My biggest problem now is to get all three of us together at the same time.

Be carefull, be at least prepared for violent reactions. From what you've written here it looks like the guy should be treated by a professional, tinkering w/ his mind could easily backfire...

Tunnelcat · Post by **Tunnelcat** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:46 pm

Canuck, you've GOT to get this guy's parents or family involved here, they're the only ones who have any authority to impose or force him to get professional help and they need to know what's going on in their son's life. He sounds like he's become mentally ill from some previous head injury and you should start worrying about your own safety, especially if you have to kick him out. I mean, contemplating knives on the counter, that should set of some alarm bells somewhere in your head.

As for throwing up every morning, he's going to destroy his teeth and raise his chances of getting esophageal or throat cancer. He needs help quick before he progresses to taking his own life or that of someone else's.

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 9:47 am

OK yesterday he woke up at the crack of noon and started emptying the paper recycling bin, a few garbage cans, and a couple of bags of recyclables he had. Which is more than he's ever done in months. I approached the situation and told him I hear him in the mornings and asked if he was ill and needed some help. He told me he was partying too much and that it was from drinking. A blatant lie but hey I expected a denial situation anyway. So anyway I was looking around for our Post Box key which he had used on Friday to pick up the mail. Its a very important key and we have a spot where its supposed to hang. He denies even using it and blamed the girl for losing it, who is somewhere right now but not here and unreachable. I have cheques and important mail I need to access. The Post Office charges $250.00 to get a new key cut because of the security involved but he seems to not think its important and refuses to believe he lost the key. OK now this crap is really starting to affect me and my business. Yesterday I had supper at a client's house and told them my situation... they related a mutual friend has a daughter that suffers from concussion issues and said that eating disorders are a part of the concussion disorder and a symptom of the chemical imbalances in the brain. Today I will be approaching the mutual friend for the number of the psychologist that he uses to help his daughter. Bonus points for me today. The new girl roommate we have told everyone she works at the local Daycare center and I tried calling there hoping she indeed have the post box key... they had no clue who she was and she never worked there or even applied for a job there at all. My life is turning bizarre...

Octopus · Post by **Octopus** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 10:17 am

That's terrible! I would have to kill all of them! Your roommate needs to be zip tied to a chair and maced until he remembers. \"The girl\" needs to have locks changed on her for lying about her income! When she calls you back just say, \"We have no girl here by that name.... I don't see her name in the applications either...\"

If there weren't laws against shooting people, I tell ya what...

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:15 am

OK he finally admitted he lost the key and as best we can figure he may have mailed it. I'll call the Post Office tomorrow and hopefully its there.

Foil · Post by **Foil** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 8:35 am

This is beginning to sound like one of those indie oddball-characters-in-a-house films...

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:04 am

HAHA! I've had more bizarre behavior. There is the girl that was trying to make a fire in the garage with a bow drill. Plus she and her sister were literally kleptomaniacs and would just take things including the food from my cupboard. Then there was the woman who re-arranged the house three to six times a month and stole/threw out anything she deemed necessary. When she threw out the flowers from my Sister's funeral the gloves came off. She blew up my stereo, speakers and brand new sub and insisted it wasn't her. I started a lawsuit against her which she thought was a bluff but when I served the papers and gave her a choice to get out or get sued she took off. I'm still finding things she stole and broke over a year later. Stole my really nice Aloe Vera plant, and amongst other things took all the tinsel from the Xmas decorations leaving the packaging? Then I had a guy that the other roommate and I would have to knock on his door to see if he was alive or dead. He never went out, had like one weird friend, and would surf Japanese porn every waking moment, (had to check router logs to see what was up). One night the other roommate woke me up at 3:00 AM and as his room was next door to buddy he heard it much louder. He was woken up to the sounds of something motorized, sucking, and splooging. He asked what the hell is that? I told him whatever it was it must have come in a plain brown box. I have more but I'll save that for the book.

Darktalyn1 · Post by **Darktalyn1** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 1:17 pm

You live a crazy life Canuck

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:12 pm

Keeps me on my toes and thinkin'...

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:00 pm

OK this morning he got up at 5:00 AM, opened the garage door then a few moments later I heard footsteps coming up the front stairs... I figure hes off for an early morning ride. At 7:30 I went outside to load up the van for work and saw our garage door wide open, and all the lights on. I asked if he forgot to close the garage door and he has no recollection. I was up at two AM with a bout of insomnia and the garage door was closed then. The female roommate wasn't home so its only me and him. Again he blamed the girl. My garage/shop is full of pricey equipment as well as his bikes which cost over $10,000.00. I'm setting up a motion activated camera down there to see if he does it again and get some proof.

DarkFlameWolf · Post by **DarkFlameWolf** » Wed Jun 24, 2009 4:42 pm

Get him admitted. Done.

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:05 pm

Well finally had a talk with him and he honestly cant remember the incidents. The garage door is still a mystery, and now his work situation isn't so rosy but, \"semi co-operating\". So naturally a lot of stress in this guys veins right now and hence the attitudes and anger. At least I got a good 10 minute talk from him... invited him to the campfire for fire roasted pork sausage and cocktails tonight. Aint holdin' my breath though.

I think he's the vengeful type so I'll have to keep an eye open if he feels threatened at any point.

Canuck · Post by **Canuck** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 1:54 am

No show for cocktails and the most delicious open fire cooked Hamdinger sausage which Me and the Neighbor enjoyed immensely. That and the many cocktails... burp.

How would you approach this situation?

How would you approach this situation?

Yin & Yang... eh?

Re: Yin & Yang... eh?

Re:

Re: