Sort of dunno nothing

[Gekko71]

My oldest son is now going to high-school. I've been trying to talk to him and see how it's going but the conversations are stupidly one-sided (...much like this, minus the music. XD).

Anyone got any tips on how to get a teenager to really talk about their experiences at school and how they're feeling, as opposed to just nondescript mumbling?

All thoughts welcome.

[Isaac]

dunno

[Alter-Fox]

My parents never succeeded.

[Krom]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrogation

[Isaac]

"Brain Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting"


I don't think this was posted on the dbb already.

[sdfgeoff]

Ask what interests them at school. If they only like computer science, then ask them about that. See if you can get more than a one or two word answer on any topic, normally a teem will chat for hours on something he enjoys. Then work from there, extending to other subjects, or teachers.

[Isaac]

I agree. However, you might want to find common ground. I started teaching my dad chess, who hated it at first, but now we have more in common. As punishment and a trade-off, I have to do it all in spanish, which he enjoys since I'm rusty and it's his primary language. It's the mutual suffering that counts.

Maybe you all need a project. Maybe build something.

[Gekko71]

Ask what interests them at school. If they only like computer science, then ask them about that. See if you can get more than a one or two word answer on any topic, normally a teem will chat for hours on something he enjoys. Then work from there, extending to other subjects, or teachers.

I agree. However, you might want to find common ground. I started teaching my dad chess, who hated it at first, but now we have more in common. As punishment and a trade-off, I have to do it all in spanish, which he enjoys since I'm rusty and it's his primary language. It's the mutual suffering that counts.

Yeah I've been doing that, his major interest is gaming right now, so at least there's common ground there and he can talk about that for hours, Unfortunately I don't really want to know how he's going with counterstrike right now. Everything is else is mono syllables.

I swear yesterday he somehow managed to answer my questions while saying nothing whatsoever - just facial gestures and a shrug of the shoulders for six questions straight!! AAAAAAGGHH!!

[flip]

Don't push if he doesn't want to talk, which is not a bad quality anyways. Treat him as you would a friend and encourage him to open up by making it his idea. You've got years to accomplish this.

[CDN_Merlin]

Mine is 12 1/2 does the same thing. She comes home from grade 7, goes into her room until supper and heads back there afterwards. Doesn't talk much and sometimes when you ask her questions, she gives you that (★■◆● you) look. I don't like it one bit but it's how teenagers are these days. They want to be anti-social and play games all day.

[sdfgeoff]

Well at least chatting about counter-strike is something.
Try find out what other games he likes, it's some way to develop at least some form of conversation. Then maybe ask if he's wanting to do computing as a carreer? You've probably done this, but try starting with something he enjoys talking about, and then gradually move the conversation away from it, so:
Counterstrike
Computer Games
Computers in general
Career in computing
What to do after school
whatever else

I go by the theme that any conversation with a person who doesn't want to talk is probably good.
(BTW, I'm making some of this up, so feel free to dis-regard my advice, but it did work with one of our family-friends-kids, who would talk about nothing but COD, Dead Island or other FPS's)

[ryguy64]

Perhaps you could try finding a game you both like, so you can play it together. It's not so much about getting answers out of him, but letting him know you are there for him when he needs you to be. You need to let him know that constantly, by both actions and words. When he's ready, he'll come talk. Just make sure he knows you'll be there for him.

[Gekko71]

All good advice, thanks guys. I reckon I just need to stop playing the over-protective grumpy dad and start giving the little guy more space. Thanks for the feedback.

[Pandora]

haha, my boy is four and is doing the same thing.

how was it at the nursery? shrugs
with whom did you play? with everybody.
well, what did you play? everything.

[Alter-Fox]

I think that has more to do with toddler psychology than teenage psychology... just sayin .

Maybe he just doesn't understand himself yet.

[CDN_Merlin]

There was a documentary on The nature of Things with David Suziki about the Teenage Brain. You can watch it online. Just good Nature of Things and check the main site.

[Foil]

Allow me to echo this one:

It's not so much about getting answers out of him, but letting him know you are there for him when he needs you to be. You need to let him know that constantly, by both actions and words. When he's ready, he'll come talk. Just make sure he knows you'll be there for him.

Don't "just give him space", Gekko. Letting some things slide is okay, but make sure he knows that you're ultimately interested in what's going on with him.

He might roll his eyes when you tell him that, but it's a huge deal for a teenager to know that he has someone to turn to if (when) he needs. Those seeds of trust are a big deal.

[Gekko71]

I agree Foil - when I say I'm standing back, I'm accompanying it with the message that while I am uncomfortable with his non-communication on some things, I am trusting him enough to give him space and have him tell me if anything is wrong. I then follow this up with less-frequent-but-still-regular enquiries as to how he's going.

He seems to be responding better to this approach, and my kid is not the type to hide any BIG trouble he's going through. His mother also has a good relationship with him and they can talk more freely than he and I do - so I continue to give him space and watch closely...

...for now anyway. I still reserve the right to get over-protective later!

[snoopy]

All good advice, thanks guys. I reckon I just need to stop playing the over-protective grumpy dad and start giving the little guy more space. Thanks for the feedback.

You know, I'd say keep asking, but try to be okay with not getting an answer. Hopefully if things get bad, you will hear more.

[CUDA]

LOL the youngest of my 8 just turned 18 last Monday. my suggestion to you is comeback when they are 25 then start the conversation

keep trying, you may never break through, but at least you show them you're interested. but don't push too hard, or they'll get suspicious and think your getting nosy and invading their privacy.

and FYI wait till he hit 17 and the whole "Alpha male" battle starts, always such a wonderful time in the relationship of a Father and Son

Parenting is such an easy job