Post your terrible jokes here
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Sapphire Wolf
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Post your terrible jokes here
its time to post your terrible jokes!
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Vindicator
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HAHAHAHA ROTFLOL !!!!SolidAir wrote:Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Because it was attached to the bumper!
That reminds me of that movie, National Lampoons Vacation, where the guy put the dog's leash onto the bumper of the car, and forgot about it. They got pulled over by a highway patrol half way to the highway. Then the grandma died, and they strapped her on the roof.
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
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Rotten Tomato
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MINE!!!
Q. Why did the lion cross the road?
A. To eat the squashed chicken!!
A. To eat the squashed chicken!!
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Liquid Fire
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Fusion pimp
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3vil l33t
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A man walks into a bar that's set at the top of a highrise building. He sits down, orders two beers, downs them, then jumps out the window. Ten minutes later, the same man walks back into the bar and repeats the procedure. Another man has been watching the whole thing, and when the first man comes back in he asks, "Man, how do you do that?"
"Oh, it's the beers. See, the two beers create enough warmness in your belly to float you gently down to the ground."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, it's pretty neat."
So the second guy orders a couple beers, downs them, and throws himself out the window. He plummets down to the street and dies. The bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Boy Superman, you sure are an a$$hole when you're drunk."
"Oh, it's the beers. See, the two beers create enough warmness in your belly to float you gently down to the ground."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, it's pretty neat."
So the second guy orders a couple beers, downs them, and throws himself out the window. He plummets down to the street and dies. The bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Boy Superman, you sure are an a$$hole when you're drunk."
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HaAGen DaZS
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an atom walks into a bar...
so after getting back on his feet and rubbing his head, he sits down at the bar.
bartender: whats wrong there mate? you look a little down!
atom: I lost my electrons!
bartender: wow, are you sure?
atom: yeh, i'm positive.
if trees could speak, what would they?
GET OUT OF THE FOREST AND LEAF US ALONE!!
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A man was staggering down the street. A policeman stopped him, asked for ID, then told him to go home and get some sleep.
The man refused.
The policeman insisted.
The man refused again.
Finally, the policeman took the man to jail for RESISTING A REST
(a true story told by a friend of mine!)
A man walks into the bar and orders 6 Tequilas. The bartender obliges and ask the man whats wrong. The man responds:
"I found out my brother is gay today."
The next week the man walks into the bar and orders another 8 Tequilas. The bartender obliges and again asks the man whats bothering him. The man responds:
"I found out my other brother is gay today."
Another week passes and once again the man ends up in the bar, depressed as ever. He orders 10 tequilas this time and the bartender obliges. As he's pouring the man his drinks the bartender says:
"Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man responds:
"Yeah, my wife."
so after getting back on his feet and rubbing his head, he sits down at the bar.
bartender: whats wrong there mate? you look a little down!
atom: I lost my electrons!
bartender: wow, are you sure?
atom: yeh, i'm positive.
if trees could speak, what would they?
GET OUT OF THE FOREST AND LEAF US ALONE!!
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A man was staggering down the street. A policeman stopped him, asked for ID, then told him to go home and get some sleep.
The man refused.
The policeman insisted.
The man refused again.
Finally, the policeman took the man to jail for RESISTING A REST
(a true story told by a friend of mine!)
A man walks into the bar and orders 6 Tequilas. The bartender obliges and ask the man whats wrong. The man responds:
"I found out my brother is gay today."
The next week the man walks into the bar and orders another 8 Tequilas. The bartender obliges and again asks the man whats bothering him. The man responds:
"I found out my other brother is gay today."
Another week passes and once again the man ends up in the bar, depressed as ever. He orders 10 tequilas this time and the bartender obliges. As he's pouring the man his drinks the bartender says:
"Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man responds:
"Yeah, my wife."
In ancient Greece Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to
say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell
me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going
to be useful
to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was sha*ging
his wife.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to
say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell
me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going
to be useful
to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was sha*ging
his wife.