Caring for Your Introvert
The habits and needs of a little-understood group
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your handsâ??and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world....
a good piece of knowledge to devour.
usa culture (among others) is very extraverted. people will imply that if you are not extraverts like them, that there is something wrong with you.
this is wrong.
It is an intersting read. I would have liked him to have been more clear about solitude vs. being with people. I don't an introvert doesn't necessarily need to be alone; I think an introvert needs to be in an environment where he does not need to be socially active. In other words: being with family is recharging for an introvert many times.(mostly depending on how big and hectic the family is) I know that personally I do not seek solitude in order to rechanrge, I seek calmness and a comfotable environment- I prefer to be around people, just not people who are going to make me act like I care about something I really don't care about.
In general, I think he is right on when he says introversion is misunderstood, but I also don't think he really understands it himself.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts
LOL
The article didn't actually have much helpful information, though. Which is too bad, because my wife is like... teh introvert.
You know the joke--an extroverted mathematician is one who, during converstaion, looks at the *other* person's shoes.
Well, at the *mathematician* get-togethers (read: introvert conventions) that I sometimes have to attend, I'm always the one in the corner, looking at the floor, hiding behind my cup of tea/textbook/husband... An introvert among introverts. Ph34r me.
Too bad that article doesn't actually say too much about caring for your introvert. I'd have liked to know how to take care of me.
After reading some of the extremely well written and thoughtful posts you make here Drakona it's hard to think of you as anything but confident and engaging.
I have to answer to that description and my oldest son is a classic illustration of the type. I spent 2 years in unversity level theater and have enjoyed performing before hundreds of people. I am also painfully shy in one on one encounters with people. My son suffers from the same problem and trust me suffer is an accurate description of the condition. The very term "painfully shy" is much more accurate that anyone who is not afflicted can understand. I feel so sorry for my son and so unable to help.
Will Robinson wrote:After reading some of the extremely well written and thoughtful posts you make here Drakona it's hard to think of you as anything but confident and engaging.
I think that's one of the main points of the article, that being an introvert doesn't imply that one is incapable of any interaction with people. For example, I'm frequently complemented on my public speaking skills (hey, it's that arrogance showing through again ). Doesn't make me any less of an introvert.
Throughout grade school I was designated as a problem because my "social skills" hadn't matured enough, meaning that I hadn't developed into an airheaded blabbermouth like the rest of the deadwood. There were a couple of us singled out like that. Glad to know that it wasn't specific to us.
Great find roid. Though it doesn't say much, it's great to know others are out there like me/us.
Perhaps the reason one is introverted in social gatherings (remember this is only speculation on my part as I too don't cotton up to people right off the bat) is the problem of small talk. I for one am not big on idle chit chat...you know, "Hows the weather"? I generally try to find out if a person has any interesting pursuits in life and try to start dialog that way. If it turns out all they know are the stats on the local sports team then I drift away. Too many people have interests limited to work and the family and somehow other peoples children are not things I can get immersed in.
I suspect Drakona, if we were to meet at a get together you would not feel introverted at all (don't worry Lothar, I'm not hitting on your wife )
Drakona wrote:Well, at the *mathematician* get-togethers (read: introvert conventions) that I sometimes have to attend, I'm always the one in the corner, looking at the floor, hiding behind my cup of tea/textbook/husband... An introvert among introverts. Ph34r me.
At least you go to the "get-togethers."
If given the opportunity, I come down with a mysterious flu/cold/etc and am unable to attend
I've always been an introvert, but I consider myself socially apt. I work in sales, and I'm pretty good at it. I can get almost anoyn talking, or yammer my head off about nothing, should the need arise. It's not until after said conversant leaves the room that the friendly smile slides off my face and I start looking for a violent outlet for my frustration.
I hate people, but it's useful to know how to manipulate them. Leave your connotations at the door, and your self-rightiousness. I use the word with it's most literal definition. It's a skill.
Too bad that article doesn't actually say too much about caring for your introvert.
<snip>
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
Thinking on my life as an introvert, that's really all the necessary instruction there is. For a practical demonstration, there's always Monty Python's Life of Brian...
Mob: "We're here to see Brian!"
Brian's Mother: "Well, you can't see 'im. Now, piss off!"
Mmm, I suppose. I know Lothar's learned some funny rules for dealing with me. One time we were at an evening church meeting, and I suddenly disappeared. He later found me in the unlit sanctuary, on the side farthest away from the door, hiding behind a railing on the stage. Gotta be aware of that too-many-people-book-it-and-hide instinct, and know where to look when it's time to go.
It's funny, I'm an able teacher and I really enjoy public speaking. Even among strangers, let a spoken debate break out, and I'll gladly take people three on one. But ask me to just stand in a crowd of people making small talk for an hour or so, and I just break down...
An introvert among introverts. Ph34r me. 
). Doesn't make me any less of an introvert.
