Zen humor
Zen humor
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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Re: Zen humor
i hate correcting people but this drives me nuts....Dedman wrote: 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
it should be...
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together."
but the rest are really funny
yah so make the ASS out of U not METheCops wrote:you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.Dedman wrote:OwnedTricord wrote:Why, is it important to you?AceCombat wrote:absolute truth!!4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Pwned.
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Pwned³Dedman wrote:Owned ^ 2TheCops wrote:you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.Dedman wrote:OwnedTricord wrote:Why, is it important to you?AceCombat wrote:absolute truth!!4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Pwned.
Re: Zen humor
Yep eHhehEHheHehEHHEheheHehEHehEHehhEhEHehhEHEHDedman wrote:27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
toothpicks are fun!
There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. He went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. He went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
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