Zen humor

Pyro Pilots Lounge. For all topics *not* covered in other DBB forums.

Moderators: fliptw, roid

Dedman
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4513
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Atlanta

Zen humor

Post by Dedman »

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
User avatar
Krom
DBB Database Master
DBB Database Master
Posts: 16135
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 1998 3:01 am
Location: Camping the energy center. BTW, did you know you can have up to 100 characters in this location box?
Contact:

Post by Krom »

Funny.
User avatar
Warlock
DBB 3D Artist
DBB 3D Artist
Posts: 3370
Joined: Wed May 12, 1999 2:01 am
Location: Midland, Tx, U.S.
Contact:

Post by Warlock »

lol

this isnt Zen but i like this one

Man who drowns cat has one wet pu$$y
User avatar
Sage
DBB Admiral
DBB Admiral
Posts: 1409
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Sega Genesis
Contact:

Post by Sage »

Or this
man who drownds dog hot in hot water has one wet hotdog omg that is funy
User avatar
Tricord
DBB Alumni
DBB Alumni
Posts: 3394
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 1998 12:01 pm

Post by Tricord »

Warlock, those come from the Chinese Proverbs.. It's been posted here but I never found it again :(
Another one was: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
Lol, excellent :D
User avatar
KompresZor
DBB Captain
DBB Captain
Posts: 919
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Clearfield, Pennslyvania

Post by KompresZor »

Thanks Deadman... very funny
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
So true...
User avatar
AceCombat
Owned by Timex
Owned by Timex
Posts: 6516
Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2003 2:01 am
Location: Oakwood, GA

Post by AceCombat »

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

absolute truth!!
User avatar
Tricord
DBB Alumni
DBB Alumni
Posts: 3394
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 1998 12:01 pm

Post by Tricord »

AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
User avatar
{OSS}Paedric
DBB Ace
DBB Ace
Posts: 82
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2004 1:11 pm
Location: Third Rock from the Sun.

Post by {OSS}Paedric »

Dedman
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4513
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Atlanta

Post by Dedman »

Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
Owned
User avatar
Top Wop
DBB Master
DBB Master
Posts: 5104
Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2000 3:01 am
Location: Far from you.
Contact:

Post by Top Wop »

Thanks for putting a smile in my day. :)

That Walk a mile in their shoes thing is actually an indian proverb, but oh well. Its the internet where everything gets bastardized. :)
User avatar
TheCops
DBB Fleet Admiral
DBB Fleet Admiral
Posts: 2475
Joined: Sat Oct 05, 2002 2:01 am
Location: minneapolis, mn
Contact:

Post by TheCops »

Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.
Dedman
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4513
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Atlanta

Post by Dedman »

TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.
Owned ^ 2
User avatar
Battlebot
DBB Captain
DBB Captain
Posts: 510
Joined: Sun Jun 22, 2003 2:01 am
Location: Texas

Re: Zen humor

Post by Battlebot »

Dedman wrote: 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
i hate correcting people but this drives me nuts....

it should be...

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together."

but the rest are really funny :P
User avatar
AceCombat
Owned by Timex
Owned by Timex
Posts: 6516
Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2003 2:01 am
Location: Oakwood, GA

Post by AceCombat »

TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.
yah so make the ASS out of U not ME
User avatar
Liquid Fire
DBB Ace
DBB Ace
Posts: 403
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:01 am
Location: Los Gatos, CA, USA
Contact:

Post by Liquid Fire »

Here's one: Man who sneezes into his palm takes matter into his own hands.

:D
User avatar
Top Gun
DBB Master
DBB Master
Posts: 8099
Joined: Wed Nov 13, 2002 3:01 am

Post by Top Gun »

/me gives Liquid Fire a tissue :P
User avatar
Top Wop
DBB Master
DBB Master
Posts: 5104
Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2000 3:01 am
Location: Far from you.
Contact:

Post by Top Wop »

Man who walks sideways at airport turnstyle always going to Bangkok.

Man who argues with wife get no piece at night.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And my favorite, man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

:)
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

Dedman wrote:
TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you? :D
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.
Owned ^ 2
Pwned³
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Re: Zen humor

Post by Lobber »

Dedman wrote:27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Yep eHhehEHheHehEHHEheheHehEHehEHehhEhEHehhEHEH

toothpicks are fun! :D
User avatar
Sage
DBB Admiral
DBB Admiral
Posts: 1409
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Sega Genesis
Contact:

Post by Sage »

Depends on where you put them.
User avatar
snoopy
DBB Benefactor
DBB Benefactor
Posts: 4435
Joined: Thu Sep 02, 1999 2:01 am

Post by snoopy »

I pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar tender says to the pirate: "Do you realize that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?" The pirate answers: "Arrr, and it's drivin me nuts."
User avatar
Robo
DBB Admiral
DBB Admiral
Posts: 1217
Joined: Sat Aug 17, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Lancashire, United Kingdom
Contact:

Post by Robo »

Woman who stand on head, always have crack up..

:wink:
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. He went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
User avatar
Beowulf
DBB Fleet Admiral
DBB Fleet Admiral
Posts: 2878
Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2001 2:01 am
Location: Denver, Colorado

Post by Beowulf »

Lobber, just die please. Kthx.

Man who sleep with hard problem, wake up with solution in hand.
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

fck u
Dedman
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4513
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Atlanta

Post by Dedman »

Two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says "I think I lost an electron. The second atom says "are you sure" and the first atom replies "I'm positive".
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

Tasteless joke removed - MD
User avatar
Avder
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4926
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 1999 2:01 am
Location: Moorhead, MN

Post by Avder »

................................thats just disrespectful.
User avatar
Sting_Ray
DBB DemiGod
DBB DemiGod
Posts: 2512
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2001 2:01 am
Location: Fort Bragg NC

Post by Sting_Ray »

Agreed on that one. A tasteless joke is like a 3 inch coImagecImagek. Sure it's functional, but no one wants to partake of it.

So keep your 3 inch coc..erm.. joke in your pants.

dammit, who fixed the profanity filter?!?
Dedman
DBB Material Defender
DBB Material Defender
Posts: 4513
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2002 2:01 am
Location: Atlanta

Post by Dedman »

Hey stingy, when are off to play army man?
User avatar
Sting_Ray
DBB DemiGod
DBB DemiGod
Posts: 2512
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2001 2:01 am
Location: Fort Bragg NC

Post by Sting_Ray »

September 7th.. next tuesday =\
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

Sting_Ray wrote:Agreed on that one. A tasteless joke is like a 3 inch coImagecImagek. Sure it's functional, but no one wants to partake of it.

So keep your 3 inch coc..erm.. joke in your pants.

dammit, who fixed the profanity filter?!?
I agree too. That joke is absolutely horrible.
MD-2389
Defender of the Night
Defender of the Night
Posts: 13477
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 1998 12:01 pm
Location: Olathe, KS
Contact:

Post by MD-2389 »

Lobber wrote:I agree too. That joke is absolutely horrible.
Then why the hell did you post it you jackass? :roll:
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

Just to piss everyone off. Here, have a different joke if you want:

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.
Darktalyn1
DBB Admiral
DBB Admiral
Posts: 1699
Joined: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:01 am

Post by Darktalyn1 »

Some more proverbs...

Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Man stuck in pantry has *ss in jam.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
User avatar
snoopy
DBB Benefactor
DBB Benefactor
Posts: 4435
Joined: Thu Sep 02, 1999 2:01 am

Post by snoopy »

Yay for thread necromancy!
User avatar
Krom
DBB Database Master
DBB Database Master
Posts: 16135
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 1998 3:01 am
Location: Camping the energy center. BTW, did you know you can have up to 100 characters in this location box?
Contact:

Post by Krom »

It was kinda indirectly my fault for linking it from another thread ;)
User avatar
Lobber
Emotastic!!
Emotastic!!
Posts: 1325
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 1998 3:01 am

Post by Lobber »

I heard Princess Di was on the radio the other day...
User avatar
Krom
DBB Database Master
DBB Database Master
Posts: 16135
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 1998 3:01 am
Location: Camping the energy center. BTW, did you know you can have up to 100 characters in this location box?
Contact:

Post by Krom »

Which part? ;P
Post Reply