HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 10:33 am

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bast ard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:19 am

hahahaha

Liquid Fire · Post by **Liquid Fire** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 12:16 pm

How to cut a cat's claws:

1: Remove clippers from box. Wrap cat in thick towel, and trim claws, avoiding veins.

2: Collect severd arm and pack in ice. Call 911 to have arm reattached.

3: Replace cat with dog.

Learned from my own experiences!

Flabby Chick · Post by **Flabby Chick** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 12:42 pm

Cats = Female.

Dogs = Male.

Deadmeat · Post by **Deadmeat** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 1:05 pm

OMG, that's funny. Now I know another reason to hate cats. Raise fish. They don't give ya no s**t.

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:05 pm

Rofl, I had to strain from laughing too loud because I'm in class

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:43 pm

I hate cats.

Stryker · Post by **Stryker** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:49 pm

My cat makes it impossible to walk across the floor in bare feet and retain all 9 toes.

BAAL · Post by **BAAL** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:29 pm

I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

s. · Post by s. » Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:34 pm

lolol

Baal

Vertigo · Post by **Vertigo** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:54 pm

BAAL wrote:I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

*in pain*

IsAB · Post by **IsAB** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:06 pm

great laughs, tnx

Battlebot · Post by **Battlebot** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:42 pm

BAAL wrote:I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

Sapphire Wolf · Post by **Sapphire Wolf** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:52 pm

Battlebot wrote:
BAAL wrote:I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

poor dog.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:58 pm

I guess he'll be a hot dog after a while...

...

...

...

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 6:36 pm

Or maybe a "Poached Pooch"

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 8:04 pm

BAAL wrote:I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

Yeah, he learned that from "Operation Dumbo Drop".

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 8:42 pm

Battlebot wrote:
BAAL wrote:I think Ace knows how to give a cat a suppository....

that picture makes me cry

seriously, thats not funny.

[]V[]essenjah · Post by **[]V[]essenjah** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 10:00 pm

lol I can vouch for that. I lurb cats though. I had one that was really cool though. It was a female. She was a tough and trusting little cat. She was attacked by a dog when she was a kitten and it nearly killed her. We figured she was a gonner but decided to help her out anyway and she made it through. However, her head was tilted at an angle for the almost the rest of her life. She would take pills just fine though. She was a smart little cat too. I used to play with her using my laser pointer and she figured it as just a game. My bro stuck peices of tape on her back and her tail and she would simply reach over, pull it off with her mouth and look at us like, "k, and your point is?"

She would also chase our neighbors dogs out of the yard when she got older and beat the snot out of them. She also always knew when one of my family members was feeling down and always was there too comfort us.

It all depends on the cat.

DarkFlameWolf · Post by **DarkFlameWolf** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:43 pm

I want that cat mob.

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 10:49 am

Hah! Funny stuff.

Yea, cats have varying personalities. They could be ether really lazy and stupid, or they can be really smart and active.

Grendel · Post by **Grendel** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:15 am

I got an active & stupid one..

kurupt · Post by **kurupt** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:24 am

mine catches mice and once in awhile i feed it. my cat rules

AceCombat · Post by **AceCombat** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 1:36 pm

my two cats, catch anything that moves. the love squirrels, chipmunks, mice, even large rats!

they catch it, show it to either myself, my mom or my dad. then once they get their approval for their catch they tear it to shreds

Nexus_One · Post by **Nexus_One** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 3:58 pm

I have a cat that seriously was microwaved by her previous owner. True story. My father is a vet, and when she was brought in to my dad's office, he refused to return the cat to it's owners.

It took her 6 months to learn how to walk again, and she never did get all of her sense back. She's kinda loopy too. Likes to hump door sills, and chases things that aren't there. Great cat though, a complete sweetheart. I still can't figure out why someone would ever do that to an animal that sweet.

AceCombat · Post by **AceCombat** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 4:26 pm

think you can tell me where this b*tch lives......ill stuff her head in a microwave, disable the door intrerlocks and nuke her head.....lets see how long it takes her to recover!!

i know its a joke for me on here between me and cats, but in RL......i cannot stand people who do sh*t like that to small animals! even thinking about people like that sends my Blood Pressure up and my BPM racing as my body becomes full of rage.

Nexus, im glad you chose to take care of this cat, thats a good thing to do.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:06 pm

a girl i knew got drunk and stuck her hamster in the microwave. it gnawed its own leg off and died. pretty sickening. i dont understand some people's inherant cruelty and stupidity.

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 7:52 pm

I'm with Ace on that one.

WarAdvocat · Post by **WarAdvocat** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 7:42 am

Not to crap on this thread...but this was a good laugh back in the 90's

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 8:17 am

That's what's great about humor, it's recyclable.

Spaceboy · Post by **Spaceboy** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 12:09 am

why would a hampster in a microwave knaw its leg off?
poor cat& hampster

Vertigo · Post by **Vertigo** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 4:44 am

Beowulf wrote:a girl i knew got drunk and stuck her hamster in the microwave. it gnawed its own leg off and died. pretty sickening. i dont understand some people's inherant cruelty and stupidity.

Unfortunately even the smartest people can be unbelievable morons when drunk

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 9:50 am

Nexus_One wrote:...and chases things that aren't there.

All cats do that. It's part of their charm.

Spaceboy · Post by **Spaceboy** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 5:23 pm

not ow neccessarily .. sometimes a ow gust of wind comes in and blows a hair ow around... they can ow see that...

(my ow cat is at my feet right now... gotta love kittens (:) ow

Boo · Post by **Boo** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 6:51 pm

Dedman wrote:
Nexus_One wrote:...and chases things that aren't there.
All cats do that. It's part of their charm.

You should see them with a laser pointer

Hostile · Post by **Hostile** » Sun Oct 03, 2004 7:10 pm

Flabby Chick wrote:Cats = Female.

Dogs = Male.

Pally pay attention!!!!

AceCombat · Post by **AceCombat** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 4:32 pm

Boo wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Nexus_One wrote:...and chases things that aren't there.
All cats do that. It's part of their charm.
You should see them with a laser pointer

now thats fun with my two

Spaceboy · Post by **Spaceboy** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 4:37 pm

lol a laser pointer? i used one, then switched to a flashlight, and my cat broke a screendoor he ran so fast outta there.

HaAGen DaZS · Post by **HaAGen DaZS** » Tue Oct 05, 2004 1:30 am

Spaceboy wrote:lol a laser pointer? i used one, then switched to a flashlight, and my cat broke a screendoor he ran so fast outta there.

my dog does this. hes crazy like that. i dont know if he'll grow out of it, i guess he hasd already , but he shares a few characteristics (wow.) with cats.

Jon the Great · Post by **Jon the Great** » Tue Oct 05, 2004 1:43 am

Lobber wrote:HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

It's been awhile since I've laughed that hard. Thx Lobber.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

Re: HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL