Musician jokes

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 6:17 am

A boy tells his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." His mother tells him, "Now, honey, you can't do both."

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
If you set them on fire the bassoon burns longer.

What do you call someone who follows musicians around?
A drummer.

How does a bluegrass band know when the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both corners of the banjo player's mouth.

What's the difference between a musician and a government bond? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Sligar · Post by **Sligar** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 7:13 am

What the difference between an accordion and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner only sucks when its plugged in.

How do you make the guitar player turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

roid · Post by **roid** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 7:20 am

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:17 am

what does a stripper do with her a$$hole before work?
drops him off at band rehearsal.

HaAGen DaZS · Post by **HaAGen DaZS** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:33 am

At Stevie's Sea Food drop-in, he starts to notice that business is on the increase, and the majority of his patrons are muscians.

finally, not being able to come up with an answer for this, he asks a guitar player
"why are there so many muscians in here?"
-"becuase we all love C food! no sharps or flats in here!"

Hattrick · Post by **Hattrick** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:05 am

well, theres always this classic "groaner"

How do you get a bass player off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

Buef · Post by **Buef** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:10 am

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they have a machine for that now.....

aldel · Post by **aldel** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:15 am

Too many musician jokes

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 10:07 am

A boy tells his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." His mother tells him, "Now, honey, you can't do both."

Mayby im slow, but I dont get it.

Tricord · Post by **Tricord** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:20 am

Top Wop wrote:
A boy tells his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." His mother tells him, "Now, honey, you can't do both."
Mayby im slow, but I dont get it.

You're neither yet then

HaAGen DaZS · Post by **HaAGen DaZS** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:45 pm

ill admit, it took me a few mins to work it out.

-means you cant grow up AND be a muscian - i.e. we are immature...

but i still have bigger wood than any crummy guitarist!

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:28 pm

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11

1 to actually do it and 10 to stand around and go, "Phfff, I could do that."

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:33 pm

Ahh I get it now.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 4:58 pm

I haven't read the whole band jokes website, but here are some I remember from high school:

how do you make a violin sound like a viola?
sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
With a coffin, the corpse is on the inside.

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:10 pm

This is the winner of last month's Porno Short Story Contest. The
rules stipulated that the stories had to be 200 words or less with no
profanity, and all anatomical references had to be replaced with musical
instruments, players, or references to music.

JAZZED

It was a balmy night out and I was feeling thelonious. I hadn't had
any tatum in so long I could have bixed a choirgirl. But I wouldn't have
to -- the moment I entered the Luboff Lounge, the babe with the giant eubies
fixed me with a "come duke me" look. She uncrossed her legs and I could
see almost all the way to birdland. I felt a tingle in my tito puente, and
with a smile, I had her. This is it.

No sooner had we closed my front door than this hot django had grabbed
me by the hines and pulled me close. I insinuated my hand under her sweater
until I found one of her brubecks, then I slowly traced a circle around her
lee konitz.

"Oh, baby," she cooed, "you make my red norvo wet." She unzipped my
getz, and reached in to cradle my johnny hodges in her hand. "I'd love a
little mingus, darling. My gillespie is aching."

By this time my king oliver was ready to take a solo; I could hardly
wait to coda, but I obliged her. She hoisted her skirt, and I saw that she
wasn't wearing any basies. I Dove right into her satchmo and attacked her
lennie tristano.

"Ooh," she moaned, "I want your krupa! Zoot me! Miff me! Fill my
cootie williams!"

I was ready -- almost. I felt in my pocket. Uh -- oh. "Sorry, sweets,"
I said. "No blakey tonight. I'm all out of condons."

Clayman · Post by **Clayman** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 9:17 pm

It's Really funny if you're into jazz.

Tetrad · Post by **Tetrad** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 12:29 am

The sad thing is, I've heard about half of the first few jokes before. Except instead of musicians they were about black people.

I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to determine which ones.

Clayman · Post by **Clayman** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 12:42 am

A great deal of generic musician jokes can also be applied to any race, profession, or stereotype. It is unfortunate that they are used in areas such as regarding race, where people have little choice in what color their skin is.

roid · Post by **roid** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 1:38 am

/me puts on his wizard hat & cape, and grabs his guitar.

that's what the jazz sex joke reminded me of, the sex with vegetables joke. "i spill my carrots all over your colliflower"