Dear America,
In the light of your recent failure to elect a member of the human race as your
President, and thus be in a position to sensibly govern yourselves, Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II hereby gives notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Majesty will resume monarchical duties over all states and your new Prime
Minister (Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you are unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Your so-called
President will return to more suitable tea party duties at the local zoo. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide - you will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing words compared to the rest of the English
speaking world. You should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
* The term "US English" will cease to exist. There will just be "English" -
note there is, and never has been, such things as "UK English", "Australian
English", "Outer Mongolian English" etc, etc (it's just been you versus the
rest of the world and your 'divide and rule' policy simply has not worked). We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English, Scots, Welsh, Irish and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* You should understand that Bulgaria is not part of Sweden.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast non-American actors as the
good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only
after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play 'American football'. There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as 'football' is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays 'American football'. Instead you should play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is not a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby, which is similar to 'American football', but does not involve
stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour (look up
"armour") like nancy boys. For those who will insist on carrying on playing
'American football', note that the term will be illegal and the new name will
be 'Nancy boy popcorn & hot dog show'.
* Take a tip from the Aussies (that's people from Australia for the uninitiated
- look up "uninitiated"). You can actually be proud about having no culture. If
you must make your mark on the rest of the world, do what they do by hammering
cultured nations at sport (and by that we mean sport that everyone plays),
out-drinking them or by taking the p*ss out of them. This is far better fun
than blowing up tin pot nations.
* You must learn to drink properly and that the alcoholic content of beer is
usually well over 4%, not around 1.5%. In future American strength beer will be
referred to as 'nancy boy crap'.
* The term 'God bless America' will be outlawed. Every time you get an urge to
say this you should alternatively use the equally heart-jerking phrase "Anyone
coming down the pub?" This is an equivalent phrase commonly used in the rest of
the English speaking world.
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
* The phrase 'American Dream' will be replaced by 'World Reality'. If you have a
problem with this, simply utter those magic words "Anyone coming down the pub?"
* The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 3rd of November will be a
new public holiday. It will be called "Stupidity Day".
Thank you for your co-operation.
Dear America - your independence is revoked
Moderators: Tunnelcat, Jeff250
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Ford Prefect
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If only the Americans had waited down at the pub for another ten years, sophisticated European diplomacy would have reached a peaceful settlement with Nazi Germany.
A differing English perspective from one of my favorite writers:
Believe it or not, it wasn't just rednecks who voted for Bush
By Mark Steyn
The big question after Tuesday was: will it just be more of the same in George W Bush's second term, or will there be a change of tone? And apparently it's the latter. The great European thinkers have decided that instead of doing another four years of lame Bush-is-a-moron cracks they're going to do four years of lame Americans-are-morons cracks. Inaugurating the new second-term outreach was Brian Reade in the Daily Mirror, who attributed the President's victory to: "The self-righteous, gun-totin', military-lovin', sister-marryin', abortion-hatin', gay-loathin', foreigner-despisin', non-passport-ownin' rednecks, who believe God gave America the biggest dick in the world so it could urinate on the rest of us and make their land 'free and strong'."
Well, that's certainly why I supported Bush, but I'm not sure it entirely accounts for the other 59,459,765. Forty five per cent of Hispanics voted for the President, as did 25 per cent of Jews, and 23 per cent of gays. And this coalition of common-or-garden rednecks, Hispanic rednecks, sinister Zionist rednecks, and lesbian rednecks who enjoy hitting on their gay-loathin' sisters expanded its share of the vote across the entire country - not just in the Bush states but in the Kerry states, too.
In all but six states, the Republican vote went up: the urinating rednecks have increased their number not just in Texas and Mississippi but in Massachusetts and California, both of which have Republican governors. You can drive from coast to coast across the middle of the country and never pass through a single county that voted for John Kerry: it's one continuous cascade of self-righteous urine from sea to shining sea. States that were swing states in 2000 - West Virginia, Arkansas - are now solidly Republican, and once solidly Democrat states - Iowa, Wisconsin - are now swingers. The redneck states push hard up against the Canadian border, where if your neck's red it's frostbite. Bush's incontinent rednecks are everywhere: they're so numerous they're running out of sisters to bunk up with.
Who exactly is being self-righteous here? In Britain and Europe, there seem to be two principal strains of Bush-loathing. First, the guys who say, if you disagree with me, you must be an idiot - as in the Mirror headline "How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" Second, the guys who say, if you disagree with me, you must be a Nazi - as in Oliver James, who told The Guardian: "I was too depressed to even speak this morning. I thought of my late mother, who read Mein Kampf when it came out in the 1930s [sic] and thought, 'Why doesn't anyone see where this is leading?' "
Mr James is a clinical psychologist.
If smug Europeans are going to coast on moron-Fascist sneers indefinitely, they'll be dooming themselves to ever more depressing mornings-after in the 2006 midterms, the 2008 presidential election, 2010, and beyond: America's resistance to the conventional wisdom of the rest of the developed world is likely to intensify in the years ahead. This widening gap is already a point of pride to the likes of B J Kelly of Killiney, who made the following observation on Friday's letters page in The Irish Times: "Here in the EU we objected recently to high office for a man who professed the belief that abortion and gay marriages are essentially evil. Over in the US such an outlook could have won him the presidency."
I'm not sure who he means by "we". As with most decisions taken in the corridors of Europower, the views of Killiney and Knokke and Krakow didn't come into it one way or the other. B J Kelly is referring to Rocco Buttiglione, the mooted European commissioner whose views on homosexuality, single parenthood, etc would have been utterly unremarkable for an Italian Catholic 30 years ago. Now Europe's secular elite has decided they're beyond the pale and such a man should have no place in public life. And B J Kelly sees this as evidence of how much more enlightened Europe is than America.
That's fine. But what happens if the European elite should decide a whole lot of other stuff is beyond the pale, too, some of it that B J Kelly is quite partial to? In affirming the traditional definition of marriage in 11 state referenda, from darkest Mississippi to progressive enlightened Kerry-supporting Oregon, the American people were not expressing their "gay-loathin' ", so much as declining to go the Kelly route and have their betters tell them what they can think. They're not going to have marriage redefined by four Massachusetts judges and a couple of activist mayors. That doesn't make them Bush theo-zombies marching in lockstep to the gay lynching, just freeborn citizens asserting their right to dissent from today's established church - the stifling coercive theology of political correctness enforced by a secular episcopate.
As Americans were voting on marriage and marijuana and other matters, the Rotterdam police were destroying a mural by Chris Ripke that he'd created to express his disgust at the murder of Theo van Gogh by Islamist crazies. Ripke's painting showed an angel and the words "Thou Shalt Not Kill". Unfortunately, his workshop is next to a mosque, and the imam complained that the mural was "racist", so the cops arrived, destroyed it, arrested the television journalists filming it and wiped their tape. Maybe that would ring a bell with Oliver James's mum.
The restrictions on expression that B J Kelly sees as evidence of European enlightenment are regarded as profoundly unhealthy by most Americans. When one examines Brian Reade's anatomy of redneck disfigurements - "gun-totin', military-lovin', abortion-hatin' " - most of them are about the will to survive, as individuals and as a society. Americans tote guns because they're assertive citizens, not docile subjects of a permanent governing class. They love their military because they think there's something contemptible about Europeans preening and posing as a great power when they can't even stop some nickel'n'dime Balkan genital-severers piling up hundreds of thousands of corpses on their borders.
And, if Americans do "hate abortion", is Mr Reade saying he loves it? It's at least partially responsible for the collapsed birthrates of post-Christian Europe. However superior the EU is to the US, it will only last as long as Mr Reade's generation: the design flaw of the radical secular welfare state is that it depends on a traditionally religious society birthrate to sustain it. True, you can't be a redneck in Spain or Italy: when the birthrates are 1.1 and 1.2 children per couple, there are no sisters to shag.
What was revealing about this election campaign was how little the condescending Europeans understand even about the side in American politics they purport to agree with - witness The Guardian's disastrous intervention in Clark County. Simon Schama last week week defined the Bush/Kerry divide as "Godly America" and "Worldly America", hailing the latter as "pragmatic, practical, rational and sceptical". That's exactly the wrong way round: it's Godly America that is rational and sceptical - especially of Euro-delusions. Uncowed by Islamists, undeferential to government, unshrivelled in its birthrates, Bush's redneck America is a more reliable long-term bet. Europe's media would do their readers a service if they stopped condescending to it.
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Ford Prefect
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