Noah's New Ark

Shoku · Post by **Shoku** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:05 pm

In the year 2005, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ..... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood Home Owner's Association zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Zoning Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Customs and Immigration Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going
to destroy the world?".

"No", said the Lord. "The Government has beat me to it."

Stryker · Post by **Stryker** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:18 pm

ROFLOL!!!

That's the best piece of humor I've heard in many a long day.

Great read!

A little Biblically inaccurate, but still funny, nonetheless.

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:16 pm

How can this be Biblically inaccurate as this never even came close to happening?

Sergeant Thorne · Post by **Sergeant Thorne** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:16 pm

Because God promised that he would never again destroy the earth by flood.

And I think, "The liberals have beaten me to it." would work better.

That's funny.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:23 pm

... off to the Cafe with you!

(We over in E&C have no sense of humor.)

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:24 pm

You mean the neoconservatives, dont you?

Of course you do.

Sergeant Thorne · Post by **Sergeant Thorne** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:29 pm

C'mon, if you start this up you're going to make Lothar look like an idiot for moving it out of E&C.

"Liberals" to infinity!

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:48 pm

I'm tired of you unthinking morons using "liberals" as your scapegoats for all the worlds problems. Every group has its problems and unless you can at least acknowlege that the conservatives have a few pretty bad ideas too then youre no better than the people God killed when he DID flood the earth. You wanna blame liberals, fine. Do so. On SPECIFIC issues. You cant blame an entire half of the political spectrum for the entire planets problems, which is what you conservative chest thumpers in the E&C love to do.

Iceman · Post by **Iceman** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:56 pm

It's all Hillary's fault.

Sergeant Thorne · Post by **Sergeant Thorne** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 12:17 am

Forget it, Avder, conservatives are all perfect, and I refuse to back down on the issue.

I guess someone needed to vent.

Duper · Post by **Duper** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 12:19 am

it took over 50 years to build the Ark the first time and as far as we know; power tools were not available.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 12:56 am

I blame the Russians!

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:01 am

Don't forget that the Rainbow is the Sign of the Covenant between Jehovah and earths life forms, both human and animal. This is the covenant that He vowed wherein he will never destroy the earth again by a global deluge.

roid · Post by **roid** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:05 am

rainbows are the gayest things ever.
i love rainbows.

the differences between conservatives and their opposites. to coin a phrase - the differences are all in their minds.
we will always blame all of our problems and problems with the world on our "shadow personality" - our exact opposite.

all sides do it.
i think neocons are the source of the world's problems.
and they likewise think treehuggin hippies are the source of the world's problems.

psychological polar opposites do not attract, they fight against eachother.

so i obviously hate you all

JMEaT · Post by **JMEaT** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:48 am

Heh, so true.

Unix · Post by **Unix** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 9:02 am

Lothar wrote:I blame the Russians!

К чёрту сука.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 11:25 am

Iceman wrote:It's all Hillary's fault.

<~~~~Here's one liberal that agrees with you.

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:43 pm

roid wrote:i think neocons are the source of the world's problems.

I hope you guys realize that "neocon" is a code word for "Jew"...

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:45 pm

Wouldn't that be appropriate then?

Juuust kidding..teehee

Mobius · Post by **Mobius** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:32 pm

Duper wrote:it took over 50 years to build the Ark the first time and as far as we know; power tools were not available.

OH. MY. GOODNESS!

You can type that with a straight face? Jebus H Chribt on a pony, you are one gullible human being.

Unix: I'm with you, and all other clear-thinking people on this.

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:51 pm

i blame mommy and shame daddy.

Stryker · Post by **Stryker** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:11 pm

Am I the only one that doesn't understand why it's a crime to take the Bible literally? Or should we all just post "STFU Mobius" pics?

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:38 pm

Mobius, shut the f*** up.

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 9:03 pm

Tyranny · Post by **Tyranny** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 9:51 pm

Awesome!

penii fights!

roid · Post by **roid** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:56 am

Lothar wrote:
roid wrote:i think neocons are the source of the world's problems.
I hope you guys realize that "neocon" is a code word for "Jew"...

i thought it ment neo(NEW, or ultra) con(CONSERVATIVE) - neocon. i've never heard it refer to jews before, doesn't make sense to me. are you sure of what you say?

Lothar · Post by **Lothar** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:10 am

There's a discussion of that over in E&C in the "New Guard" thread...

Sirius · Post by **Sirius** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 5:15 am

This thread is about to become quite a riot.