DescentBB

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were 200 men walking single file.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

lol. Thats a good one.

two men walk into a bar. the third one ducks.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a
problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

why is a dog hotter in the summer, than in the winter?

In the winter he always wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

Did you know diahrrea was hereditary?
It runs in your genes.

A guy goes on an African safari. He brings his little scottish terrier. While hunting some endangered species, the terrier wanders off. He stops under a tree just as he noticed a lion running right at him. Thinking quickly, he turns around, sits down, and says loudly "Wow, that lion I had for lunch was great! I wish another would come along now so I could eat it!" The lion stops in its tracks and runs away, thinking "Whew, that terrier almost had me there!"

Meanwhile...

A monkey who had been watching the scene decided he could have a bit of fun. So he went and told the lion what was REALLY going on. The lion was so enraged, he told the monkey to get on his back and watch the carnage. The terrier notices the lion rushing at him with a monkey on his back and thinks "Oh shoot, now I'm REALLY in trouble!" But thinking quickly, he sits down and says loudly...

"Where's that monkey? I told him to go get me another lion half an hour ago!"

borderline nhb material, but heh

Two young men and a young woman are the sole survivors of a shipwreck and are stranded on a desert island. They're alone without hope of resuce, and young people do what young people do. In a few weeks the young woman becomes so ashamed of what they've been doing she kills herself. A few weeks after that the young men are so ashamed of what they've been doing they bury her. A few weeks after that they're so ashamed of what they'vebeen doing they dig her back up.

What's this?

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Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

A termite walks into a bar and says, where is the bar tender.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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two fish are in a tank.

one says to the other: you know how to drive this thing?

KompresZor wrote:An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a
problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
............................................

ive seen this one before, i dont remember were though