Zen humor

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 9:43 am

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 9:49 am

Funny.

Warlock · Post by **Warlock** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 10:18 am

lol

this isnt Zen but i like this one

Man who drowns cat has one wet pu$$y

Sage · Post by **Sage** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 10:35 am

Or this
man who drownds dog hot in hot water has one wet hotdog omg that is funy

Tricord · Post by **Tricord** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 11:36 am

Warlock, those come from the Chinese Proverbs.. It's been posted here but I never found it again

Another one was: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

Lol, excellent

KompresZor · Post by **KompresZor** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 11:54 am

Thanks Deadman... very funny

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

So true...

AceCombat · Post by **AceCombat** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 1:44 pm

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

absolute truth!!

Tricord · Post by **Tricord** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 1:47 pm

AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!

Why, is it important to you?

{OSS}Paedric · Post by **{OSS}Paedric** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 2:20 pm

Along the same lines

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 2:24 pm

Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you?

Owned

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 2:56 pm

Thanks for putting a smile in my day.

That Walk a mile in their shoes thing is actually an indian proverb, but oh well. Its the internet where everything gets bastardized.

TheCops · Post by **TheCops** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 3:24 pm

Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you?
Owned

you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 3:55 pm

TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you?
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.

Owned ^ 2

Battlebot · Post by **Battlebot** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 4:07 pm

Dedman wrote: 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

i hate correcting people but this drives me nuts....

it should be...

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together."

but the rest are really funny

AceCombat · Post by **AceCombat** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 4:17 pm

TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you?
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.

yah so make the ASS out of U not ME

Liquid Fire · Post by **Liquid Fire** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 5:17 pm

Here's one: Man who sneezes into his palm takes matter into his own hands.

Top Gun · Post by **Top Gun** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 7:06 pm

/me gives Liquid Fire a tissue

Top Wop · Post by **Top Wop** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 7:15 pm

Man who walks sideways at airport turnstyle always going to Bangkok.

Man who argues with wife get no piece at night.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And my favorite, man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 8:03 pm

Dedman wrote:
TheCops wrote:
Dedman wrote:
Tricord wrote:
AceCombat wrote:
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
absolute truth!!
Why, is it important to you?
Owned
you are assuming either of them has seen any naked women beyond their family members after a shower.

Pwned.
Owned ^ 2

PwnedÂ³

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Mon Aug 30, 2004 8:06 pm

Dedman wrote:27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Yep eHhehEHheHehEHHEheheHehEHehEHehhEhEHehhEHEH

toothpicks are fun!

Sage · Post by **Sage** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:56 am

Depends on where you put them.

snoopy · Post by **snoopy** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 11:49 am

I pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar tender says to the pirate: "Do you realize that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?" The pirate answers: "Arrr, and it's drivin me nuts."

Robo · Post by **Robo** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 12:51 pm

Woman who stand on head, always have crack up..

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 1:03 pm

There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. He went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Beowulf · Post by **Beowulf** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 5:59 pm

Lobber, just die please. Kthx.

Man who sleep with hard problem, wake up with solution in hand.

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 6:35 pm

fck u

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 7:22 pm

Two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says "I think I lost an electron. The second atom says "are you sure" and the first atom replies "I'm positive".

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 7:37 pm

Tasteless joke removed - MD

Avder · Post by **Avder** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 8:29 pm

................................thats just disrespectful.

Sting_Ray · Post by **Sting_Ray** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 8:41 pm

Agreed on that one. A tasteless joke is like a 3 inch co

c

k. Sure it's functional, but no one wants to partake of it.

So keep your 3 inch coc..erm.. joke in your pants.

dammit, who fixed the profanity filter?!?

Dedman · Post by **Dedman** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:05 pm

Hey stingy, when are off to play army man?

Sting_Ray · Post by **Sting_Ray** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:28 pm

September 7th.. next tuesday =\

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:04 pm

Sting_Ray wrote:Agreed on that one. A tasteless joke is like a 3 inch cock. Sure it's functional, but no one wants to partake of it.

So keep your 3 inch coc..erm.. joke in your pants.

dammit, who fixed the profanity filter?!?

I agree too. That joke is absolutely horrible.

MD-2389 · Post by **MD-2389** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:15 pm

Lobber wrote:I agree too. That joke is absolutely horrible.

Then why the hell did you post it you jackass?

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:28 pm

Just to piss everyone off. Here, have a different joke if you want:

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

Darktalyn1 · Post by **Darktalyn1** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 1:38 pm

Some more proverbs...

Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Man stuck in pantry has *ss in jam.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

snoopy · Post by **snoopy** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 3:03 pm

Yay for thread necromancy!

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 3:50 pm

It was kinda indirectly my fault for linking it from another thread

Lobber · Post by **Lobber** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 7:00 pm

I heard Princess Di was on the radio the other day...

Krom · Post by **Krom** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 9:32 pm

Which part? ;P

Zen humor

Zen humor

Re: Zen humor

Re: Zen humor