PUN-Tastic! (LONG)
Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:27 pm
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."
-----------------------------------------------------
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap
some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he
was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.
-----------------------------------------------------
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of
a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs
enemas?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Back in the 1800's the Tate Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
nothing to go on."
-----------------------------------------------------
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
lingers on."
-----------------------------------------------------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
-----------------------------------------------------
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the
man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites
him to the
theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if
he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast
the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."
-----------------------------------------------------
Strictly speaking, the credit for the following goes to Edwin Newman.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"Out walking the dog," he said, "looking for the old familiar feces."
"Your shoes are wet," she observed.
"Naturally," he said, "nobody knows the puddles I've seen. That is why
I am standing on these newspapers. These are the Times that dry men's
soles." He took off his jacket and tossed it aside. "This", he said,
"is so sodden."
"I'll never forget the time they brought you in frozen stiff," she said,
"I was afraid you'd never come out of it."
He shrugged. "I thawed, therefore I am."
"I believe the dog has distemper or worms or something," she said.
"Maybe so," he replied, "but his bark is worse than his blight. By the
way, I'm thinking of giving him to the Longshoremen's Union as a
mascot."
"What kind of dog do they want?"
"A dockshund."
"I'm lonely," she said, and pointed to a button she was wearing that
bore the words "Kiss me. I'm Irish."
"I'm hungry," he said. Quiche me. I'm French."
She gave him instead a pastry consisting of thin layers of puff paste
interlaid with a cream filling. He cut off a corner and ate it.
"Very good," he said. "Also the first square mille feuille I've had all
day."
"Your French is getting better, she said. "I can remember when you
thought the French for throw out the bag was cul-de-sac."
"O solecism mio," he said. "And I can remember when you thought a
porte-cochere was the entrance to a Jewish restaurant."
There was a moment's pause. Then:
"I had an apprentice French hairdresser once," she said.
"What did he have to say for himself?"
"Je ne sais coif."
"Having a man around the house does make a vas deferens," she continued.
"And a woman around, too," he said gallantly. "You're a wonderful
housekeeper. You keep everything polished."
"Maybe so," she said, "but I wish I could chamois like my sister Kate.
I meant to ask you, did you watch the space shot at the office?"
"No," he replied, "To me the space program is a mere shirrade. I
decided to go to a movie instead, the one in which Montgomery Clift
plays the founder of psychoanalysis."
"What was his name again?"
"Pretty Boy Freud."
"I notice that in the early days of photography he had his picture taken
with his coat on and looking furtive. Any idea why?"
"He must have been a cloak and daguerreotype."
She changed the subject. "I'm glad we're out of Vietnam."
"So am I. It was time to let Saigon be Saigon's."
"What do you make of the situation between the Russians and the
Chinese?" she asked.
"Dogma eat dogma".
"You said a Maouthful."
"Tell me, how was your trip to Washington?"
"All right," she said, "but the taxi driver insisted on talking. I felt
that I was a cabtive audience."
"What was it you had to do there?"
"Deliver two messages."
"To whom?" he asked.
"One was to the junior senator from Mississippi."
"Any trouble?"
"No. I was directed to a room where the Armed Services Committee was
meeting, and I simply went in and asked, `Stennis, anyone?'".
"What was the message, by the way?"
"Just what you'd wish on any politician during the festive season: a
Merry Charisma and a Happy New Year."
"And the other?" he asked.
"That was more difficult," she said. "The nonferrous metals industry
was holding a meeting and I had to find the one ferrous metals man who
was there. Luckily I was able to go into the ladies' room and say,
`Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the ferrous one of all?'"
"Any luck?" he asked.
"Oh yes," she said.
"What did you do about lunch?" he wanted to know.
"I had Chinese," she said.
"Not Korean?"
"No, though I do like Seoul food."
"Was the Chinese any good?"
"Not really. I sent back the soup."
"Any reason?"
"I told the waiter it had been tried and found Won Ton."
"You've done better."
"When?"
"That cold day at the Four Seasons when you didn't like the cooking and
you told the head waiter, `Now is the winter of our discontent.' But
what happened after you sent back the Won Ton?"
"They brought me some consommi."
"How was it?"
"Much better. It was a consommi devoutly to be wished."
"I'd like to have a Chinese meal in Alaska someday," he said musingly.
"Why is that?"
"I'd like to try lo mein on a totem pole."
She was lost in thought for a moment, then blushed lightly. "I don't
think I've every told you that I originally intended to marry a
clergyman."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because," she said, humming softly, "I picked a layman in the garden of
love when I found you."
I was his turn to hum.
"What are you humming?" she asked.
"The volcano's torch song," he said. "Lava, come back to me."
She pouted.
"This time of year seems to bring out the worst in you." he said.
"I know," she replied. "I'm often jejune in January."
"Sometimes I think you've never got over your regret at not being born a
blond."
"Not quite true. Actually, I dream a genealogy with the light brown
hair. Wasn't it a shame about Father O'Reilly being mugged the other
night after the ecumenical meeting?"
"He can't say he wasn't warned. Rabbi Goldstein was most explicit."
"What did he say?"
"Do not go, gentile, into the good night."
"And that did not stop Father O'Reilly?"
"I'm afraid not. He left without further adieu."
"Do they know who did it?"
"No, but they do know that the muggers were young and were laughing as
they left."
"Jubilant delinquents?"
"Exactly."
"I bought a book of British seafood recipes today."
"May I guess the title?"
"Please."
"What Hath Cod Wrought?"
"No. It's Cod et Mon Droit."
"By the way, the cod war between Britain and Iceland did end, did it
not?"
"Yes, it was followed by the cod peace."
A sweet voice came from the kitchen. "Would you like some tea, Daddy?"
"Yes, my darjeeling daughter." He turned back. "She sounds so sad these
days. You'd think a girl pretty enough to be a model would be happy."
"It's the modeling that's done it. It's turned her into a
mannequin-depressive."
The sweet voice rose in anger. "It isn't. It's these hot, cross puns.
Will you two ever stop?"
They did.
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."
-----------------------------------------------------
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap
some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he
was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.
-----------------------------------------------------
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of
a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs
enemas?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Back in the 1800's the Tate Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
nothing to go on."
-----------------------------------------------------
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
lingers on."
-----------------------------------------------------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
-----------------------------------------------------
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
-----------------------------------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the
man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites
him to the
theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if
he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast
the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."
-----------------------------------------------------
Strictly speaking, the credit for the following goes to Edwin Newman.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"Out walking the dog," he said, "looking for the old familiar feces."
"Your shoes are wet," she observed.
"Naturally," he said, "nobody knows the puddles I've seen. That is why
I am standing on these newspapers. These are the Times that dry men's
soles." He took off his jacket and tossed it aside. "This", he said,
"is so sodden."
"I'll never forget the time they brought you in frozen stiff," she said,
"I was afraid you'd never come out of it."
He shrugged. "I thawed, therefore I am."
"I believe the dog has distemper or worms or something," she said.
"Maybe so," he replied, "but his bark is worse than his blight. By the
way, I'm thinking of giving him to the Longshoremen's Union as a
mascot."
"What kind of dog do they want?"
"A dockshund."
"I'm lonely," she said, and pointed to a button she was wearing that
bore the words "Kiss me. I'm Irish."
"I'm hungry," he said. Quiche me. I'm French."
She gave him instead a pastry consisting of thin layers of puff paste
interlaid with a cream filling. He cut off a corner and ate it.
"Very good," he said. "Also the first square mille feuille I've had all
day."
"Your French is getting better, she said. "I can remember when you
thought the French for throw out the bag was cul-de-sac."
"O solecism mio," he said. "And I can remember when you thought a
porte-cochere was the entrance to a Jewish restaurant."
There was a moment's pause. Then:
"I had an apprentice French hairdresser once," she said.
"What did he have to say for himself?"
"Je ne sais coif."
"Having a man around the house does make a vas deferens," she continued.
"And a woman around, too," he said gallantly. "You're a wonderful
housekeeper. You keep everything polished."
"Maybe so," she said, "but I wish I could chamois like my sister Kate.
I meant to ask you, did you watch the space shot at the office?"
"No," he replied, "To me the space program is a mere shirrade. I
decided to go to a movie instead, the one in which Montgomery Clift
plays the founder of psychoanalysis."
"What was his name again?"
"Pretty Boy Freud."
"I notice that in the early days of photography he had his picture taken
with his coat on and looking furtive. Any idea why?"
"He must have been a cloak and daguerreotype."
She changed the subject. "I'm glad we're out of Vietnam."
"So am I. It was time to let Saigon be Saigon's."
"What do you make of the situation between the Russians and the
Chinese?" she asked.
"Dogma eat dogma".
"You said a Maouthful."
"Tell me, how was your trip to Washington?"
"All right," she said, "but the taxi driver insisted on talking. I felt
that I was a cabtive audience."
"What was it you had to do there?"
"Deliver two messages."
"To whom?" he asked.
"One was to the junior senator from Mississippi."
"Any trouble?"
"No. I was directed to a room where the Armed Services Committee was
meeting, and I simply went in and asked, `Stennis, anyone?'".
"What was the message, by the way?"
"Just what you'd wish on any politician during the festive season: a
Merry Charisma and a Happy New Year."
"And the other?" he asked.
"That was more difficult," she said. "The nonferrous metals industry
was holding a meeting and I had to find the one ferrous metals man who
was there. Luckily I was able to go into the ladies' room and say,
`Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the ferrous one of all?'"
"Any luck?" he asked.
"Oh yes," she said.
"What did you do about lunch?" he wanted to know.
"I had Chinese," she said.
"Not Korean?"
"No, though I do like Seoul food."
"Was the Chinese any good?"
"Not really. I sent back the soup."
"Any reason?"
"I told the waiter it had been tried and found Won Ton."
"You've done better."
"When?"
"That cold day at the Four Seasons when you didn't like the cooking and
you told the head waiter, `Now is the winter of our discontent.' But
what happened after you sent back the Won Ton?"
"They brought me some consommi."
"How was it?"
"Much better. It was a consommi devoutly to be wished."
"I'd like to have a Chinese meal in Alaska someday," he said musingly.
"Why is that?"
"I'd like to try lo mein on a totem pole."
She was lost in thought for a moment, then blushed lightly. "I don't
think I've every told you that I originally intended to marry a
clergyman."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because," she said, humming softly, "I picked a layman in the garden of
love when I found you."
I was his turn to hum.
"What are you humming?" she asked.
"The volcano's torch song," he said. "Lava, come back to me."
She pouted.
"This time of year seems to bring out the worst in you." he said.
"I know," she replied. "I'm often jejune in January."
"Sometimes I think you've never got over your regret at not being born a
blond."
"Not quite true. Actually, I dream a genealogy with the light brown
hair. Wasn't it a shame about Father O'Reilly being mugged the other
night after the ecumenical meeting?"
"He can't say he wasn't warned. Rabbi Goldstein was most explicit."
"What did he say?"
"Do not go, gentile, into the good night."
"And that did not stop Father O'Reilly?"
"I'm afraid not. He left without further adieu."
"Do they know who did it?"
"No, but they do know that the muggers were young and were laughing as
they left."
"Jubilant delinquents?"
"Exactly."
"I bought a book of British seafood recipes today."
"May I guess the title?"
"Please."
"What Hath Cod Wrought?"
"No. It's Cod et Mon Droit."
"By the way, the cod war between Britain and Iceland did end, did it
not?"
"Yes, it was followed by the cod peace."
A sweet voice came from the kitchen. "Would you like some tea, Daddy?"
"Yes, my darjeeling daughter." He turned back. "She sounds so sad these
days. You'd think a girl pretty enough to be a model would be happy."
"It's the modeling that's done it. It's turned her into a
mannequin-depressive."
The sweet voice rose in anger. "It isn't. It's these hot, cross puns.
Will you two ever stop?"
They did.
