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kurupt's guide to scoring with chicks

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:49 am
by kurupt
This is in response to Ice's thread here. I didn't want to derail the thread anymore than it already has been by jesus talk, so i made my own.

Here's how you get a chick in my world:

1.) go to bar/nightclub/piggly wiggly and scout around for someone who you are attracted to.
1.b) if unsuccesful in first attempt or location, proceed to next girl or location on the list.
1.c) only approach women within 1 number above and 2 numbers below you. for example, if you are a 6, you can talk to a 7 or a 5, but an 8 is out of your league. if you are a 3, you may talk to a 4 or a 1 or a 2, but a 7 or higher is allowed to punch you in the face upon interaction.

2.) find out what they are drinking/purchasing/talking about before you intitiate contact.
2.b) in the case of bar or nightclub, approach her and say "excuse me, i'm not a big drinker but i had a hard day at work and want to kick back. what is the drink you are having called? it looks good." if she engages you in conversation, proceed to step 3. if she does not, refer to 1.b if she buys you a drink, skip section 3 and refer to section 4.
2.c) in the case of the piggly wiggly, approach someone who is selecting groceries and act like you just broke up with your girlfriend who did all the grocery shopping for you and you have no idea what you are doing. puppy face is key. if she reluctantly points you to the cereal isle then refer to 1.b. if she yells and cries rape, refer to 1.b. if she thinks you're cute and helps you out, refer to section 3.b.

3.) if you manage to get this far, make sure you're funny. especially if you are a 6 or below. being funny can sometimes award you 1 bonus point and knock you up to the upper tier: 7hood. if you make her laugh and she lets you buy her a drink, then proceed to section 4. if she loses interest because you failed at being funny or up close in better light you are actually a 5 when you appeared at first glance to be a 7 - refer to 1.b. if you havent been laid in more than 90 days, you may proceed to section 5.b.
3.b) if you have her interested in you enough to help you grocery shop, be a sweetheart and tell her that if she picks something out you will make it for her as thanks. this moment is crucial, as it will decide whether or not you're making sweet love to a fine young lady or to your right hand. right now is the time she will tell you she is married or committed or a lesbian, so refer to 1.b. make sure to stop by the hygeine section on your way out and pick up a nice bottle of lotion if this happens to you. if she agrees, all you have to do is refer to section 4.c.

4.) at this point, clearly she is interested in you. if she lets you buy her drinks and has to excuse herself to go to the ladies room, wait 10 minutes and then refer to section 1.b. i'm sorry buddy, but she bailed on you. if she comes back, tell her that you cant let her leave by herself, and offer to call her a cab because you're cousin was killed by a drunk driver and you cant let such a pretty thing put herself at that kind of risk. she cant say no to that unless she's a dyke, if that is the case refer to section 1.b. get in the cab with her and tell the driver to drop her off and then take you home. before she gets out she will ask you to come in, give you her number, or say thanks and get out. if she gives you her number, say thanks and refer to section 4.b. if she gets out also refer to section 4.b. if you go in with her, refer to section 5.
4.b) have the driver take you to the quickie mart to get some porno and a 40oz, as you'll need them to forget how much you suck with women. i mean seriously, if you got that far and didnt score, you dropped the ball somewhere dude. the important thing is to learn from your mistakes.
4.c) if you managed to get her to let you make her dinner, she's obviously going to expect it to suck. if she expects it to suck and she still lets you, you got her in the bag. if you cant grocery shop, you cant cook. thats what she's thinking. good thing you lied. =) make sure it takes place at her place, as relying on her to not stand you up is too huge a risk. when you get there, tell her that you can handle it and you want her to go relax for a little while. then, you work your magic, or if you really cant cook, you whip out the takeout you disguised in a grocery bag. when she's left the room then you take the opportunity to put on some barrrrrrrrrry white and light the candles, and pour the wine (that you had in the bag with the takeout) and set a romantic mood. you then refer to section 5.

5.)
Image
5.b) if you cant score, try this.
Image

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:02 am
by Lothar
5c) If she's resistant to 5b, or you ended up at step 4b, you'll end up with
Image

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:15 am
by Avder
thats BS lothar. I probably whack it more than anyone on this board and I have virtually no hair on my hands :P

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:53 am
by Ferno
naw Avder, he probably thinks you're not supposed to even look at the 'naughty parts' ;)

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 2:07 am
by Duper
Avder wrote:thats BS lothar. I probably whack it more than anyone on this board and I have virtually no hair on my hands :P
Well then, I would venture to say that friction is hiding the evidence.

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 5:24 am
by DCrazy
Duper wrote:Well then, I would venture to say that friction is hiding the evidence.
That would involve using the outside of the hand to, ahem, yeah... I don't think that's very possible.

On a thread-derailing biological note, the only two places on the human body where hair does not grow are the palms of the hands and soles of the feet.

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 6:51 am
by Flabby Chick
DCrazy wrote:That would involve using the outside of the hand to, ahem, yeah... I don't think that's very possible.
:roll: Bloody Virgin!!

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:29 am
by TheCops
BRAVO! KUR!
(i'm actually rolling on the floor)

:P

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:34 am
by Beowulf
Well played!

Step 6: Repeat process tomorrow night.

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:57 am
by woodchip
For those of us exceptionally gifted there is a step 7:

7) Go to spot at bar where light is adequate, turn to face all the tables and start to casually lick your eyebrows. A line will form to where you stand and you can pick the cream of the crop.

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 8:20 am
by Iceman
TheCops wrote:BRAVO! KUR!
(i'm actually rolling on the floor)

:P
X2 :)

A good read bro!

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:05 am
by WarAdvocat
Alas Woodchip, despite your dreams, step 7 does NOT work well. Take it from someone who knows :|

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 3:14 pm
by AceCombat
ROTFLMAO!!! you guys are f00king nuts

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 3:35 pm
by Iceman
Yeah and you (Ace) get laid on a regular basis huh?

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:45 pm
by Matrix
Iceman wrote:Yeah and you (Ace) get laid on a regular basis huh?
only if u include cats

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:57 pm
by AceCombat
Iceman wrote:Yeah and you (Ace) get laid on a regular basis huh?

*cough* joke *cough*


:roll:

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:32 pm
by MD-2389
With all these guides to sex, now all thats left is for Gav to show up posting a guide to get it on with the same sex, and for Ace to post how to finger your cat. :lol:

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:41 pm
by DCrazy
OMG ACE FINGERS HIZ CAT OMG LOL ROFL MD U R TEH GREATEST.

:roll:

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:46 pm
by MD-2389
DCrazy wrote:OMG ACE FINGERS HIZ CAT OMG LOL ROFL MD U R TEH GREATEST.

:roll:
And don't you forget it! ;)

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:09 am
by Iceman
Matrix wrote:only if u include cats
ROTFL!

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 4:22 pm
by Beowulf
its point to post a thread about sex for these useless nerds and life-newbies.

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 6:41 pm
by Lothar
Beowulf wrote:its point to post a thread about sex for these useless nerds and life-newbies.
Will your next post be written in English?

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:50 pm
by Beowulf
heh! I was high when i typed that post... :P

i was attempting to say

"It's pointless to try and post a thread about sex for these useless nerds and life-newbies."

Sorry for the incoherence :P

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:04 pm
by TheCops
well, i understand 'internet'... and your first post registered beo. they tend to get all "perfect spelling and sentence structure" on you when you hit a nerve.

i laughed.

anyway, i think kuruptsâ?? initial post was a very well written blend of reality and comedy.

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:37 pm
by kurupt
a bit further in depth on the point system:

1. Homeless
2. McDonald's Drive Thru Attendant
3. AceCombat
4. Income under 30k a year and not particularly attractive.
5. Income at or around 30k a year an not particularly attractive.
6. Income above 35k but below 60k and somewhat attractive, or income above 75k and not very attractive.
7. Income above 35k but below 60k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 75k and not very attractive.
8. Income above 50k but below 75k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 100k and not very attractive.
9. Income above 100k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 150k and not very attractive.
10. Income above 500k. You can be butt ugly, 93 years old, Handicapped, whatever. It doesn't matter.

Bonus Points:
Funny - .5 bonus point
Confident - .5 bonus point
6" or more - .5 bonus point
Dangerous/Mysterious .5 - bonus point
Pierced - .5 bonus point
10" or more - 1 bonus points
Can lick your hairline - 1 bonus point
Famous - 5 bonus points
Millionaire+ - 10 bonus points

Point Deductions:
5" or less - minus 1 point
3" or less - minus 3 points
Dorky - minus 1 point
Self Conscious - minus .5 point
Shy - minus .5 point

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:48 pm
by Jeff250
Post on the DBB: minus 5 points

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 10:02 pm
by kurupt
maybe for you, i just lie and say i had to get the computer to do papers for school on if a chick asks why i have one :P

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 1:29 am
by Iceman
Wow, I am a 10.5, so when do I get laid?

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 2:42 am
by Pun
After all us 11's get some.

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 4:44 am
by []V[]essenjah
I don't get laid because:


1. I don't want to.

2. I am too busy being a nerd.

3. I have no time for womenz cause I'm l33t like that.

4. Even I did, I couldn't figure out how to get unlaid so that I can still remain a vigin.

Can you lend a hand? ;)

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:49 am
by TheCops
so licking the hairline proves that youâ??re good at eating cat? i can barely lick past my upper lip and they still drop their "alien face hugger stuff" all over me.

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 4:30 pm
by Lothar
Famous is a +5 bonus? Well, I'm famous on the DBB, and that seems to have worked well for me... w00t!

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 8:59 pm
by kurupt
nobody seemed to catch that the entire scale is monetary based? :D

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 9:02 pm
by Iceman
mob-messenger wrote:Can you lend a hand? ;)
I am willing to bet you already have that 'handled' :D

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 4:44 pm
by BfDiDDy
kurupt wrote:a bit further in depth on the point system:


7. Income above 35k but below 60k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 75k and not very attractive.

Confident - .5 bonus point
6" or more - .5 bonus point
Pierced - .5 bonus point
w00p 8.5

btw.... depending on setting and club, Pierced can be either a 3 point bonus, or a 3 point negative. In some cases depending where you are pierced, you can immediatley become a 10. Just my experience.

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 5:33 pm
by Robo
I'm not going to post how many points I have :P

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 6:35 pm
by DCrazy
Robo: You can't because you haven't done imaginary numbers in school yet. ;)

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 1:17 am
by SneAKy pEepEE
kurupt wrote:a bit further in depth on the point system:

1. Homeless
2. McDonald's Drive Thru Attendant
3. AceCombat
4. Income under 30k a year and not particularly attractive.
5. Income at or around 30k a year an not particularly attractive.
6. Income above 35k but below 60k and somewhat attractive, or income above 75k and not very attractive.
7. Income above 35k but below 60k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 75k and not very attractive.
8. Income above 50k but below 75k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 100k and not very attractive.
9. Income above 100k and a pretty good looking guy, or income above 150k and not very attractive.
10. Income above 500k. You can be butt ugly, 93 years old, Handicapped, whatever. It doesn't matter.

Bonus Points:
Funny - .5 bonus point
Confident - .5 bonus point
6" or more - .5 bonus point
Dangerous/Mysterious .5 - bonus point
Pierced - .5 bonus point
10" or more - 1 bonus points
Can lick your hairline - 1 bonus point
Famous - 5 bonus points
Millionaire+ - 10 bonus points

Point Deductions:
5" or less - minus 1 point
3" or less - minus 3 points
Dorky - minus 1 point
Self Conscious - minus .5 point
Shy - minus .5 point
Thats funny...its a good list but not entirely accurate. Allow me to explain, I am a fairly decent looking 30 yr. old male with nice muscular body. I work as a pool maint. tech. make about 22k a yr. (also make about 5k in tips
)I also get all the sex I can handle(mostly with women from clubs,not the clients from pool svc.)...seriously, I have to turn sexual partners down. I tell ya....having a well built body will get ya laid 99.6% of the time. Guaranteed.

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 7:07 am
by BUBBALOU
Kurupt : nice guide

you forgot one VITAL step

4c what ever you do, do not bang your neighbor. no matter how desperate you are or cute she is.


Oh wait Kurupt already violated this rule.. btw she still calling you... and are your rabbits secure?

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 12:10 pm
by Robo
DCrazy wrote:Robo: You can't because you haven't done imaginary numbers in school yet. ;)
You deserve a slap for that :wink: