DescentBB

So I'm trying to resolve a huge slowdown in my throughput. I'm on a live chat with a tier 1. The guy gives me this long list of buIIsh!t to do, which is obviously scripted. Check this out:

d3pun: I've done all that, Lance
d3pun: I've been through this before
Lance N: Have you wrapped the dsl modem in an aluminum foil too?
d3pun: lol
d3pun: what?
d3pun: you're kidding, right?
Lance N: No, Please try wrapping the dsl modem in aluminum foil as it has resolved
the connection problems with many customers.
d3pun: so, uhh, let me get this straight...
Lance N: Wrapping the DSL modem in aluminum foil decreases the interferences with
the DSL modem and you must get good connection speeds.
d3pun: my modem has been sitting here on the shelf for 4 years.
d3pun: nothing has changed
d3pun: I've never had a problem
d3pun: and now you want me to wrap it in foil?
Lance N: Please try so that we can make sure that it is not a problem with interferences
with the DSL modem.
d3pun: ok, I'm gonna do it.
d3pun: be right back.
d3pun: Is Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty OK?
Lance N: Yes go ahead.
d3pun: ok. I got this thing wrapped up like a pound of hamburger.
what now?
Lance N: Now check the connection speed and let me know the result.
d3pun: 645 kilobits per second
d3pun: same
d3pun: well
d3pun: .7 kbps slower, to be precise
d3pun: can I take this foil off now?
d3pun: it looks gay and I'm afraid my modem is gonna overheat.
Lance N: Okay you can remove it.
d3pun: thanks

I read the preceding transcript and I know what went wrong:

You forgot to wear your foil-encased copper-wire framed pyramid hat while wrapping the modem, so obviously some of your own neural emissions got trapped in the foil in which you wrapped the modem, thereby causing "interferences"[sic].

YOU NEWB!

Damn,

here I thought the Charter techs were idiots.Well okay, theyre still idiots but man!

Maybe the reynolds heavy duty wasnt good enough.
Go buy several other brands and try again!

i had a very similar live chat with a Dell tech support person, about my harddrive that died. the best part of the chat went something like this:

"Her: Ok, you need to flash your Bios to the latest version.
me: Uhhh how do i do that?
Her: (long, lengthy, 1 page explanation about how to get the latest drivers off the dell technical support site, detailing every little thing)
me: Um yea, I knew that already. What I was asking is 'how can I update my bios when my computer won't even start.'"

at that point, she finally just said "uhh yea we're sending you a replacement."

earthlink techsupport team in a conference, consulting mel gibson for advanced advice.

Hattrick wrote:Maybe the reynolds heavy duty wasnt good enough.

Try encasing it in lead. That should do the trick.

Dedman wrote:

Hattrick wrote:Maybe the reynolds heavy duty wasnt good enough.

Try encasing it in lead. That should do the trick.

Actually, I think solid steel plate with a DC current running through it would work better- I remember something about skin effect from physics.

OMG!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Man I can see some schmoe at home with his modem wrapped in aluminum foil....he would look something like this:

ROFL!! Reminds me of some tech support crap I went through heh.

I remember the guy kept telling me repeatedly every detail about how to go into my computer and check my internet setup with every tiny little minute detail. Every time I would try to tell him that I was allready a number of steps ahead of him, he would tell me, "Sir, please just do what I tell you to do! Listen Sir, when when I tell you to do something, I need you to do it!"

Meanwhile I'm allready checking the number about 10 steps ahead of his instructions. :
This was after I explained to him a couple of times that I set up my own connection and didn't use theirs software.

Wrap it in foil, thats got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard from the tech support end. Priceless!

I cant stop laughing about this one, it's classic.

I love tech support

Pun, call your ISP and have that dumbf00k SOB fired.

Back in the day, I was trying to disable my on-board video so I could install a V3 2000. I called up tech support and was told I cold find the disable jumper on the motherboard "next to the thing that looks like a six-pack". Aparently that's all his schematic had to go on. I suspect that's what he was going on too. Never did find any jumper.

Ya know what is pathetic? That guy is actually getting paid ...

Oh man, you have GOT to send that transcript to Computer stupidities !!

Mobius wrote:Oh man, you have GOT to send that transcript to Computer stupidities !!

Mobi needs to read the bottom of the page:

Currently we are NOT accepting new anecdote submissions, as we are backlogged by about 800 submissions and have little hope of catching up any time in the near future.

You could always submit it to bash.org

Lazy computer stupidities people.

Mobius, that is quite possibly the best website I have ever seen.