Spin off of Pere's post.
Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 9:04 am
Here is the rest of the ways to play Navy without going to sea.
Longing for the Good Old Days of Sea Duty
30 things you can do right now!
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
3. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
9. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
10. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
11. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
12. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again. Write a detailed report on each, send 28 copies to various agencies in Washington DC, file the reports and never read them.
15. Use eighteen scoops of the cheapest coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
16. Invite 75 people to come over to your house and visit for a couple of months. Make sure that they snore like stalled wood chippers.
17. Install a flickering fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
20. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say .. again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
22. Every six months or so, dress up in your best suit on the roof of your house stand at attention in the sun for a couple of hours and have your wife walk by, look you up and down for a second with a sneer on her face.
23.Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
24. Every six months have your wife write a report about you, how well you are cutting the lawn, your husband duties in the bedroom, how clean you keep your clothes, your attitude, etc. Put them into a file on top of all the
25. Quit your job. (even if the old place is understaffed and the new place has twice as many people as they need) Move yourself to a completely different part of the country; family will follow later, maybe. Do that again every couple years.
26. Give yourself a medal for just breathing and going to work each day. Wear it on your best suit to impress your friends. Can't call it a National Defense Medal or Geedunk Medal so call it the K Mart Medal.
27. Take your hot cup of budget coffee, go to your swimming pool, stand up in small child sized raft in the pool and drink your coffee while never spilling a drop. Act casual to impress your kids and wife that you are an 'old salt.'
28. Fix yourself a big cup of warm water, into which you've stirred one teaspoon of diesel oil, one teaspoon of salt and a little food coloring. Tell everyone that you are drinking "bug juice." Make sure the cup is blazing hot straight from your dish washer. Drink quickly while on the run. If that doesn't suit your taste, drink luke warm condensed milk diluted and mixed with oily salt water.
29. End each argument with your wife and coworkers by stating "...and get a haircut."
30. Threaten her several times with it and then actually do it! Put your wife "on report" for insubordination!
Longing for the Good Old Days of Sea Duty
30 things you can do right now!
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
3. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
9. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
10. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
11. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
12. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again. Write a detailed report on each, send 28 copies to various agencies in Washington DC, file the reports and never read them.
15. Use eighteen scoops of the cheapest coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
16. Invite 75 people to come over to your house and visit for a couple of months. Make sure that they snore like stalled wood chippers.
17. Install a flickering fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
20. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say .. again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
22. Every six months or so, dress up in your best suit on the roof of your house stand at attention in the sun for a couple of hours and have your wife walk by, look you up and down for a second with a sneer on her face.
23.Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
24. Every six months have your wife write a report about you, how well you are cutting the lawn, your husband duties in the bedroom, how clean you keep your clothes, your attitude, etc. Put them into a file on top of all the
25. Quit your job. (even if the old place is understaffed and the new place has twice as many people as they need) Move yourself to a completely different part of the country; family will follow later, maybe. Do that again every couple years.
26. Give yourself a medal for just breathing and going to work each day. Wear it on your best suit to impress your friends. Can't call it a National Defense Medal or Geedunk Medal so call it the K Mart Medal.
27. Take your hot cup of budget coffee, go to your swimming pool, stand up in small child sized raft in the pool and drink your coffee while never spilling a drop. Act casual to impress your kids and wife that you are an 'old salt.'
28. Fix yourself a big cup of warm water, into which you've stirred one teaspoon of diesel oil, one teaspoon of salt and a little food coloring. Tell everyone that you are drinking "bug juice." Make sure the cup is blazing hot straight from your dish washer. Drink quickly while on the run. If that doesn't suit your taste, drink luke warm condensed milk diluted and mixed with oily salt water.
29. End each argument with your wife and coworkers by stating "...and get a haircut."
30. Threaten her several times with it and then actually do it! Put your wife "on report" for insubordination!
